


Delaying the past

by Kosei



Category: Rockman X | Mega Man X
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Celebrating christmas too early, Dinner, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gay robot meditation, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Once again Zero is fucking stupid, robot meditation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:55:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 24,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27387544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kosei/pseuds/Kosei
Summary: Where was he?Why was X so happy and gardening in their greenhouse?Since when did they have a greenhouse?Where was HQ?And what does love feel like?
Relationships: X/Zero (Rockman)
Comments: 39
Kudos: 36





	1. When Zero Wakes

Something, someone caressed his chest as he slept, the cold metal that was his skin kissed with warmth, his eyes fluttered open. He looked out the shiny glass of his recharge pod to a ceiling he didn’t recognize.

Hold on… This… wasn’t his recharge pod.

He raised his hand, and it met with the cool air, not the smooth glass he was so familiar with. He set the arm back down with a thump.

Soft? 

He rose from the bed, it was soft. It was a bed. A bed with blankets and a mattress. His scanners informed him the sheets were made of a cotton-polyester blend.

And that the section next to him was still warm. At about 10 degrees higher than the rest of the room. 

Zero placed his hand on it. Someone had just been here. Judging by the appearance of the bedroom, it was well lived in. The closet door was slightly ajar. A collection of 2 straw hats laid on the back of the door, the empty 3rd hook suggested the absence of a 3rd hat. On the side of the warm bed, there was a nightstand full of objects: A pair of round spectacles, a lamp, a book with a mark sticking out from the top, and a half-drunk bottle of water. It was uncapped.

Right, useless. Zero glanced out the window. It wasn’t Abel City and it’s constantly busy bustle was that was so familiar to him. He saw the endless grey sky, cloudy, and heavy with rain. 

Where was he? His coordinates were not working. They couldn’t have been, they made no sense, spouting a random series of letters and numbers.

He would have to proceed with caution, but strangely even though the bed was warm, there were no other signals in the building. Still, there could be alarms. The Hunter got up from the bed, quietly walking out. The hallways were wide and spacious, giving the feeling of an open atmosphere. He caught a glimpse of a living room, a cough situated in front of a tv, blankets were strewn across the back, a game controller sitting on plush blue carpet. He carefully studied the surroundings, debating where to go next. He caught the eye of a door around the corner, it was shiny, in intricate shapes of flowers carefully etched into the glass. He made a beeline for the exit, nothing stopped him. No alarms, no mavericks. When he opened the door, his nose was hit with the salty scent of the sea.

He was standing on the porch of a house situated on a cliff. Seagulls cawed softly and fluttered over his head. The ocean waves crashed noisily against the cliff, there could be a storm somewhere out there, he didn’t know how far. 

How did he get here? Despite the waves and the storm, the sea was quiet. Too quiet. Nothing at all around the area.

Except-

A signal jumped at him, pinging slightly. It rattled him, ringing through his sensors, and shooting right into his motherboard. He took immediate caution, pointing at…

A greenhouse. It was built of clear glass, inside the plant's leaves gently ruffled with the breeze. He didn’t know what the varieties of plants were. He was sure X knew-

X.

Where was he?

How was he so oblivious to his partner being absent? Immediately that took precedence over everything else. 

Zero pressed an ear to his communicator, “Zero, reporting in. X, do you copy?”

He waited, listening. But there wasn’t even the flickering of static, pulsing through his communications. It was dead, dead quiet.

It was more worrying than static. Still, the only thing he could do now was to follow the signal. He needed some sort of closure on this situation, and perhaps… The son of a bitch had X. 

Carefully Zero made way to the greenhouse. He had to traverse down the slope, easy, except the ground was slick and he slid. He was known for keeping his balance well but he would be lying if he said he was not concerned by sliding any. Still, he made it, opening the door, and closing it behind him.

The greenhouse smelled sweet. By the entrance, he could see how neatly everything was set up, with proper labels for anything. The first that caught his eyes was a pitcher plant hanging in a basket. 

It looked like a pitcher, not that he thought that was aesthetically pleasing. 

The signal was on the other side, he took his time, admittedly, he did forget what he was doing and admire the varieties of plants. Normally he wouldn’t, but he could hear X’s voice ringing in his ear with every familiar plant variety.

_“A corpse plant goes through a leaf cycle every 4-5 years to gather energy to become a flower. It withers after one day of-”_

_“Pink bananas are also called harry bananas since they grow fur and are native to-”_

_“Vanilla is derived from a breed of orchids-”_

_“Blueberries are the only species of plant that is naturally blue in color.”_

Huh. They were pretty blue. He could see that. He held the berry slightly in his hand, examining the outside of it.

Huh.

His ear comms picked up a presence behind him. Quickly, he spun around, grasping air, it was only then he realized the saber on his back was gone.

“Jumpy are you?”

X greeted him with a peaceful smile. 

His shoulders relaxed. The straw hat cast a shadow over his eyes and hair, but Zero knew what he looked like without a helmet. His boyish military-style cut. How it suited and defined his jaw and nose that usually looked youthful and round. The words handsome flashed through his mind. His gloves were dirty, and his overalls, the knees were stained with green grass. 

He got up, wiping his gloves on his front. X left the basket of weeds on the ground. He was beaming, he was the most relaxed, the happiest Zero had seen him in years. He radiated a happy, hopeful energy Zero hadn’t felt since his days as a rookie. Before Sigma, before the wars. He was stunned. He never thought that X- that same X would be back. Yet he was, Endearing him to say something with the bright eyes, and cheeks dusted with spots of freckles, and nose smeared with dirt. 

“Morning dear. (Dear?) I know you hate it when I wake up without you, but I was itching to dig into the garden today. Since I don’t know if the cadaver plant I moved in will sprout or not…” he blushed pink. “Still, I’m alright aren’t I?”

Zero refrained from saying anything. He didn’t know what to say. X spoke for him, puzzles.

“Are you okay?”

“...X…” he glanced around the surroundings. “...Where… Where are we?”

His eyes widened. “...What do you mean?”

“I mean- where are we- where is hunter base? Er…”

X’s eyes narrowed slightly, and his smile upturned to a smirk. “Nice try. I know you’re a great actor but you won’t get me with that. “ Zero was even more confused than before, and he shook his head slightly into his palm. 

“My, my, Axl has rubbed off on you, hasn’t he? Well, tell him he is still the master, and you are his apprentice. “

“X…” he swallowed, “I’m serious, where are we?”

“The moon.”

“X-”

He waved him off, “What do you want for breakfast? The blueberries are coming in so I could make muffins…. Maybe pancakes? I’m more in the mood for muffins.”

“X where the hell is hunter base?”

X rolled his eyes, “Since you don’t know, we’ve been retired for 5 years now. Seriously, drop the act and help me make muffins. All this work is getting me hungry, and with all these clouds I could go right back to bed..." He yawned. "One thing hasn't changed..." His eyelashes fluttered, "I still get tired when it's stormy."

“...” he had a few options. He could continue to deny, and ask where he was. Or he could go with it and pretend he knew what was going on.

“...I’m still a terrible cook, that hasn’t changed either.”

X nudged him with his elbow, “You're too hard on yourself. You’re a great cook when you don’t burn the house down. You’re not getting out of it, you’re helping me with these muffins. You eat, you help.”

“Fine, fine.”

“I know it’s fine.” he stuck his tongue out, “I need a break anyway, I just added that corpse plant in, didn’t you notice?”

“I did. Why do you want a plant so… smelly anyway?”

X shrugged, “I think it’s fun to take care of it. “

“I see.”

“I’ll take care of the weeds later, so don’t worry about that.” He picked up a basket full of picked blueberries and headed to the entrance. Zero hesitated and took a step forward. 

“I wasn’t.”

He would have to work it out this way. 

The first thing he could knock off was where they were on a map. Cross-referencing the coordinates, they were still in the same sector hunter base occupied, but far from the same zone. They didn’t like the southern coasts by the ocean, they were closer to the rocky sides of the Northern oceans. He quickly estimated he was about 6 hours from the base. Filing away that information, he looked into the dates of the last recorded memory log. Which was uneventful, just him preparing for bed. 10/22/20XX. 

His internal clock reported it was 10/23/20XX but that was impossible. If it was 5 years- let’s entertain the thought that somehow Zero had a severe short circuit, and his memories of the past 5 years were cleared. He didn’t have many reasons to rule out the slight impossibility until he saw the dates were only a day apart.

Perhaps this was a strange dream. That would explain X calling him dear. 

...Speaking of which, this was… not his X. This X, was different somehow. He was more carefree, less uptight. The X he knew most fondly, was a little strict. The X that grew out of his rookie stages and led the 17th unit with pride-

The X cried on his shoulder when things were too much. He was realizing that even still, he was a little stiff, and unsure around Zero. The remnants of their former relationship, he was the senpai, and X the kohai. Those remained. It was like this X grew out of those pangs, carefree in assuming what he would or would not say. Reassuring him that he had it all under control. He didn’t sense any menace in his words when he rolled his eyes at him. He knew X was just joking, and he would be alright with X staying this fussy version of himself if he continued to be so happy. His happiness was always something precious to Zero. For reasons he still struggled with.

“…”

Right, that was a little much. Things of contention:

-Figure out exactly what happened. Perhaps make an excuse for a scan. (He did perform a self-scan but perhaps that wasn’t sufficient.)

-Blend in with their new normal and adapt quickly. 

-that means figuring out why he called him dear. 

-Figure out why they are retired. 

-...

Hold on… 

Axl… He didn't consider the name too much at the time, he was startled enough that X was flat out refusing to believe him to consider it deeply. But now he was, who the hell is he? Were the rest of their companions alright? Alia, Douglas, Signas, He didn't give a shit about Lifesaver. Like it or not, but until he did figure things out, this would be his new normal. Going back to point two, he registered these points deep within his software, so he wouldn’t forget. It would be useful to gather as much information as naturally as he could. This could be some sort of new software test to determine mavericks for all he knew. Navigating it the best he could-

“Zero quit spacing out!”

He was hit on the top of his head with a box of muffin mix. 

_Log; Day 1._

_It appears I have become part of the new world where X and I have been retired for years now, but my memories indicate one day has passed. I will work on acquiring the necessary information to blend in, in fear of this being an elaborate trap by Sigma, or perhaps a memory malfunction. This is highly unlikely since my self-diagnostics are at full capacity. Will be reporting more as time goes on._

_End log._

Zero was still unsure why they shared the same bed. I mean, it wasn't uncommon in hunter base, but it wasn't exactly common either. It was in a weird middle ground. Reploids opinions on whenever it was normal to share the same recharge pod depends on how close they are to humans. 

So it was surprising X was okay with it, but it was also very warm and cozy at night, he couldn't disagree with it. 

X was excited to go somewhere the next morning. He was already getting dressed when Zero woke, smoothing his hair in the mirror with a frown. 

Zero rubbed his eyes, refocusing his vision. It cleared and he took in the different outfit he was wearing this time. A snug black jacket, smooth warm, and shiny with metal zippers. Black… shoes with slight heels. He didn't have the word (now that he did they were booties) with a zipper on the side. Straight legged jeans and a red plaid scarf slung around his shoulders. 

No wonder he enjoyed the warmth, the room was freezing. It was no wonder X had dressed so warmly, but where was he going? 

“Good morning sleepyhead. I was wondering when you would wake up. That’s two days in a row I woke up before you. Maybe I’ll hit a world record of three soon. “ he was chewing on a leftover muffin from yesterday.

"Are you going somewhere?" 

"I heard the Christmas market is opening early this year. I was hoping to get a head start to check it out." 

Zero gave him a look, "it's not even November yet?'

"Yeah, but, it's freezing outside today. " he shivered.

Zero could admit he was cold, but his bulky armor exterior did make it easier for him to warm up. 

"So shouldn't we stay inside?" 

"No, it's the perfect day to go out and get some peppermint hot chocolate. " X grasped his hands and pulled him up to his feet. 

Zero sighed. He frowned and brushed a loose strand of hair to the side. Strangely, X blushed pink. 

"Alright."

"Alright?" his eyes gleamed, reflecting the bright blue skies outside on the peaceful overcast day. 

Zero nodded.

"Alright. You should maybe take off your armor today?"

Zero did not nod, he shook his head. "I'd rather not it's warmer."

"You're going to get odd looks Zero. It's not like it's common to see Maverick hunters in full armor anymore."

It isn't? Now that he reflected on it that made sense. If he and X retired, that means there were hardly any mavericks. Thus, no hunters that were needed. 

….huh.

"I don't mind." He said honestly. "It's not like you can protect yourself. I can always take care of something in armor." It made sense to him. One of them should be protecting the other right? But that made X laugh. 

"Just as cautious as always. Alright, don't blame me when you get stared at okay?"

"I won't."

X reached out his hand. There was a ping, Zero received the coordinates he sent. He nodded and gripped his hand strongly. Both of them disappeared from the bedroom, and into the southside of Abel City.

X was right, Christmas themed decorations and tents covered in sparkling wretches were out. Humans in suits and dresses with long heavy coats walked past, ignoring the decorations. Their cheeks and boxes red, their breath visible. X cringed to his side, gravitated to his warmth.

"They sure are busy today. Your lucky day Zero, they might not notice you. " 

"I don't mind being noticed, you're the one embarrassed to be seen with me.'

"If I was we would stop being partners a long time ago."

"...That's true. " Zero said, slightly recalling the times before. He looked around, spotting TV sets, flatscreens as light and as thin as paper, displaying a fluff piece on the news. He, however, stopped to take a listen. 

“-And in other news, it’s been exactly 5 years since the cure of the maverick virus-”

WHAT.

“Has transformed our once worn-torn society into a peaceful one. Where hunters patrol the streets and hunters no longer destroy them.

The energy around the shops was much different than he was used to. He was always aware of an uneasy buzz in the air that bounced around in a crowd. The fear of a sudden maverick attack that would change the lives of everyone there forever. Or even, less dramatically, that they would just have to navigate and redirect around an attack. Inconvenient? Yes, but not nearly as deadly. Maybe his and X's presence had something to do with it. It wasn't uncommon to see them together. They were partners. They never separated nor did Zero want to separate. X was a better company than anyone he knew. That was just a fact. 

Even in this more relaxed state he still wanted to talk to X. It was a little more fun. He could walk around and admire the products and hold glass statues without fear of a maverick battering in and shattering them all. Weird wasn't the word he would use. He wouldn't. It was just unprecedented. Unexpected. 

Secretly, Zero dreamed of that day just as much as X has. That day, humans and reploids can finish in harmony. The goal had morphed into a peaceful reality in general. Without wars or fighting. Where X and Zero could… well actually, this. Shopping. He held up a soft white scarf. It felt nice, it was warm. It wasn't stiff, when he pulled ever so gently it stretched. His neck was a little cold outside...

"Whatcha looking at?"

Zero held the scarf for X to see. 

"I'll get it if you give me a kiss right here." X placed a finger on his cheek, smiling and waiting for Zero. 

Zero was just confused. Why would X ask for that? Was he serious? If he was, why would he want that? X's smile faltered and he wondered if he did something wrong. 

"Er, never mind." His face turned red, "I'll do it anyway. For you."

"Thank you X." 

He looked away, rubbing the back of his neck. "Of course, no problem." 

Yes, he did something wrong. But could he be blamed? He didn't understand his full request, to begin with. X hurried to the cashier in the store they were in, and they exchanged the money. 

"Here, enough window shopping lets go to the market alright?" 

Zero looked out the window of the store. He could see the small wooden buildings styled with horribly too soon Christmas lights and decorations and nodded. They were both eager to move on from whatever that had transpired and he was thankful for the excuse. 

X pointed to the market stalls with childish abandon. He was no longer embarrassed and Zero's neck was warm and his hand was too. He gripped it tightly. Zero was surprised to see the crowd of people walking around, sipping mugs of a warm drink, and examining things to buy. It's still so early, he has a difficult time lending himself into the mood of decorative shining lights, and the red and green bows with gold glitter. The Christmas tree in the center feels hollow when it's wrong to celebrate it. 

"There's another reason why I want to go here."

Zero perked a little, "What's that?"

"It's romantic." He winked. Zero could only respond with a stare. 

Maybe? 

"And I need to get my shopping done. The earlier the better! I know you suck at shopping, so if we pick it out together we can say it's from both of us." He picked up a tote bag with a white cartoon animal, accompanied by a human wearing green clothes and a bright green hat. 

"Alia said this show is cute, do you think she would like it? Then again you can't buy the first thing you see. " 

The owner of the stall looked disappointed. 

"Ah, you know Zero, anything is fun when it's just being together," he pulled him closer, holding both of his hands.

"I guess that's true. I… can only really stand your company." He confessed. But surely X already knew that. He grinned.

"Sure don't act like it around Axl. You get annoyed at him but you're too much alike sometimes. I told him about that prank you tried to pull and he went ecstatic over it."

Yeah, prank.

"My heart sank into my stomach when for a moment I thought you forgot. Don't do that again… phew. "

"...I won't."

"Right. Sorry."

"It's okay?"

X smiled again and pulled him along. 

Never once had he ever been as excited for Christmas as X. X enjoys it, loves it too much almost. Putting so much care and effort into picking out outfits for people, gifts, and tickets. Scrunching up paper for brightly patterned bags of snowmen. Delicately wrapping with large ornate bows. He gave gifts you knew were special.

Zero tried but he didn't get it. All holidays are about family and loved ones and eating and mushy stuff. None are exceptional in this fact. 

But that's alright. It is. It makes X happy. Ah- it startles him sometimes how much his smile means to him, his best friend. It's almost embarrassing, admitting it out loud would be a death sentence, most things that he does are because he doesn't want X to be sad? He would die rather than admit it. 

No that's not true, he isn't that dramatic. It's just strange, isn't sometimes that X has only had this profound effect on him? He can't even think of how or why. 

He's supposed since the day they met he's been stuck in his head. He couldn't forget him, like every wire, every joint, and every part of his brain _wanted_ him. To be close? He still doesn't know exactly what it is and he doubts the day will come where he figures it out. Maybe, he's figured it out exactly here. Their relationship is different, he's not crazy for suggesting that. No, especially considering the circumstances. 

Still.

He couldn’t help but smile a little. It wasn’t close to Christmas, but it was nice. That warm flutter in his chest as he drank the soothing hot cocoa, bags of every color and size, handmade jewelry on display, candy cane earrings made of beads- that neither of them could wear. Neither of them had ears. 

He spotted a reploid that did have them, chatting with a male-type. It seemed technology didn’t stop progressing. 

He could accept all this. It felt right, the cold on his face, the warmth of X and his intertwined fingers. it did all feel natural.

They set on the pier, overlooking the ocean. The ocean doesn't feel as bright, nor as vibrant when it’s cool. You’re more aware of how deep the water is and how it would feel, like ice. 

He’s hyper-aware of this- his scanner measures how the water temperature plummets with the disappearance of every shine of orange that bobbed over the waves. 

It’s peaceful. This whole world is so peaceful. He wonders if it’s real if he’s real. Their dream- he can admit. He never really thought it would happen. Is that horrible? If it is horrible, he doesn’t care. He reconsiders the possibility that he is in the wrong and everything is normal, how it should be. Every piece was put in place except him. But his nerves- his logical processors, they keep nudging him that it doesn’t make sense. Something is wrong. Mavericks likely have something to do with it. 

He reaches for X, who makes sense. He’s still X. he’s different. He stares at him with a different light in his eyes, but he’s the reploid who makes the least amount of sense. Out of any other reploid, he doesn’t understand him, how he ticks, but he does understand him. On a level even deeper than that. Their roots are grounded in each other.

“Zero…” his words floated in the air, spiraling into the big open sky, twinking with the beginning of the night. 

“I have to ask you something…”

He nodded. “What is it?”

“Zero…” he swallowed, looking down. He whispered, in near tears. “Do you not love me anymore?” 

Crack.

It was like everything broke apart like glass.

Never did he think he would be faced with a question like that. Never, in his wildest dreams had he been…

Apparently, in such an intimate relationship with X. Everything from before made sense now. How strange he acted, how he was so affectionate, the comment about the kiss. 

“...What do you mean?” he asked. He knew what he meant, he was playing dumb. 

“...You haven’t been affectionate at all, for a while now… You don’t kiss me, you don’t hug me. It’s like- you’re weirded out when I call you by pet names, you loved those names before. I just- I’m so confused about what happened, and why you don’t look at me the same way.” 

“...”

Oh.

“...X…” he swallowed, carefully choosing his words. Silently, he urged himself, to just get it over with. As soon as he did, the awkwardness boiling inside of him could subside. “...How could you think that?”

The words were gross… Gross in their unfamiliarity. Zero did love X, but he never expressed that love, and if he did they were in his way. And it wasn’t romantic love, which he felt stupid for not even realizing until now. The more he thought about it, the more obvious it became.

…

X wiped his eyes, “Really? But… you’ve been treating me like a total stranger… I’m worried I did something wrong. Did I?”

“No, no, you didn’t.”

“Then… then why... It’s been nearly a month. Not once have you kissed or hugged me. I know you’re not very touchy, and I know you don’t like using pet names. I don’t care about that. When you call me by name, and you have that smile, that twinkle in your eyes and you look so fond… it makes my heart sing. But right now, it’s like back when… we were just friends, just hunters at HQ.” he reached for his arm, “I mean it Zero. I don’t want- I mean… Whatever I did, I want to work it out. I don’t want our relationship to end over it. If we need to we could go to couples therapy-”

Zero didn't hold back his laughter. Some of the awkwardness subsided, and he ruffled his hair. He Could- and he should kiss him. That would make him feel… Was the word better? The point was, he had upset him. He didn’t like making X upset, even though this would be- his first kiss… Not that mattered that much to him- ick, saying like that… But come on, it would solve the issue. How does a person kiss anyway? Would he go for it- and fuck it up? Therefore making it worse?

To stabilize himself, he cusped X’s cheek. He could feel his breath hitch, growing with excitement. 

“D-don’t force yourself to kiss me if you don’t want to.” He shoved his touch away, but Zero could feel his heartbeat spiking to higher levels through his scanners. His internal temperature was rising.

It was very endearing.

“You’re worrying too much. Like usual. We don’t need couples counseling… it’s… a misunderstanding?”

“Misunderstanding?” X repeated. 

“...” Zero nodded. 

X sighed. “Alright… I’ll let you kiss me.”

“...” Zero swallowed. He had to go with it now. He couldn’t back out. 

His lips grew closer and closer, X exhaled, his breath warm. 

He couldn't.

Asimov.

Why he did this all in the first place, It's not just that X wouldn't believe him. He would always have his best friend, but losing his lover would break his heart. 

He couldn't go through with it. Just as his lips made contact his knees buckled and he sighed. X blinked at him a few times, perplexed. 

"Zero…?

"I don't remember anything." He blurted out, "I'm serious I don't. I had no clue our relationship was of that nature until now, and the memory logs are inconsistent. 2 days ago I was at HQ preparing a report, and I woke up in a strange building and we are lovers, and I saw on the news maverick attacks are at a low and it's not a joke." Zero breathed, "I know it's going to break your heart but it's not like I was doing a good job at acting as your lover." 

"..." X froze, blank-eyed. The mirth, the warmth in his eyes were gone, leaving behind only a blank and empty gaze. "Are… are you… sure?"

"...." he nodded. 

"..." X leaned his head back. 

“...That can’t be. No, you’re not joking.”

“I swear on my life, and you know I wouldn’t swear like that if I wasn’t serious.”

That worsened X's condition. The rail was bending with how much X was gripping it, it twisted painfully, creaking with every passing second. 

“N-no, that can’t be. You can’t- not remember. The house, the plants we grew- the life we built. Everything we did, it can’t be a lie. It can’t be a lie.” he twisted, tears rolling down his cheeks. “We were going to have kids together…” he hiccuped, “We… were going to raise them, and I would love them just as much as I loved you.”

“...We were going to have children. Reploids- can’t-”

“You don’t remember anything.” he turned from him. 

“No, it’s not me, it’s the world! I’m not the one who doesn’t remember- everything changed…” he looked around, “It’s so peaceful it’s weird. It’s so peaceful it can't be real!”

“Zero get a grip. That doesn’t make any sense. This is the same world you were always part of. The same world that you loved, and don’t tell me you don’t-”

“I don’t,” he was sure of it.

“Of course you did, why would you fight for?”

Zero considered that for a long while. Well, only about 10 seconds. No other answer he could reach for, but one. 

“You.”

“....” X raised his palm, Zero took that as a sign that their conversation was over. 

“...I… I am going… No, you can come back. But you need to go to the- a- someone to check you out. I can’t… let you keep going like you’re fine when you are not. When you get some- something medical. Something professional- when you’re _fixed_ everything will go back to normal. You’ll be Zero, the best friend I’ve ever had, the one who killed Sigma, the one… who loves me.”

“X…”

“As soon as I go home I’ll go into the greenhouse. Don’t bother… me. Until tomorrow. I… I need to think. This past month…”

“...Alright. I’m sorry.”

“No… you tried to tell me first thing, I didn’t believe you. A part of me still doesn’t. Or at least- doesn’t want to believe you… “

“I understand that. I wish I could-”

“No… you’re the Zero from… when we were both hunters, and I crushed on you.”

“...For that long?”

He nodded. Zero wanted to sit down.

Has he been blind? X- he was in a romantic relationship. That was… well, it surprised him that he didn’t feel strange about it. The man he perceived as his best friend was his lover. He didn’t think he even had the stomach to fall in love again. Was that surprising? Yes, it was. But somehow…

It wasn’t even that surprising. Was that strange now? I mean- if Zero were to fall in love again, he knew deep down it would be X. It almost even should be X. 

But it was weird for him. Still, one thing would always stay the same, he never wanted to hurt X, and seeing X cry like that on the bridge, the sunset alighting his face with orange hue made him think. The truth, he didn’t remember or have any idea of this world drove him insane. He wanted to be the person X remembered, the person X loved so dearly. 

“...” he did. That was what he thought. 

“Goodbye.”

X vanished in blue light. Where he was standing, he transported back to the home they were supposed to share their life in, and yet here they were. 

Zero stayed behind, reflecting on what had just transpired.

_Log; day 24._

_After yesterday's event, I went to a mechanic to perform a diagnostics test. They first tested my self-diagnostics for defects. To my surprise…_

_There were many. I don’t know what happened to my self-scanning, but all my scanners were bugged. Weapons, temperature, diagnostics, threat-assessment, all were incorrectly reporting the mechanic as high-level when he was closer to low. I knew that I could have killed him with a hard jab, but my scanner refused to believe it. I am surprised._

_I am._

_I don’t know what I thought, but I truly believed reality was warped and not me. When that was uncovered, there was a glitch in my memory logs instantly reported when scanners were at full capacity. I tried to fix it- but 5 years of memories were gone… forever._

_They were very sympathetic, but that made it worse. I could cry if I had the capacity. I want to. 5 years of my life- not much out of decades, no. But they are gone. I suppose the same could happen if I were human. If someone hit me just the right way, my skull would shatter, and my memories would be gone. The human mind is a fickle thing, however. There was always, is always the possibility of somehow recovering, inexplicably. Everyone lives on that hope. Yet, I say this out loud in the lonely guest bedroom. Data that is forever gone cannot be recovered. And X is sobbing in what used to be our bedroom._

_End log._


	2. When Zero Meditates

Time passed ever so slowly. He was sadly familiar with its passage... Each day was worse than the last. It truly was. Each day, he listened to his weeping, the way he avoided his eyes, it made him feel like he had done something awful, despicable. It wasn't his fault. He knew that. He didn't… get rid of memories on purpose. He would have never done that. 

Never. 

Still, somehow… Somehow, time still soothed the hurt. 

“Morning Zero.”

Another day had arrived. 

"...Good morning, X." He eyed the outfit he was wearing, a blue tank top and black yoga pants that hugged the reploids hips. 

...He will ignore that thought.

"You're wondering… why I'm wearing the outfit, are you?"

"..." he nodded, "looks fine on you by the way. "

"Ah, it's just a tank top and pants. It's nothing much."

"No, but, it's strange seeing you so casual all the time. I like it."

X sighed, "I'm going to go meditate. "

"...Meditate?"

Meditation? Zero filed quickly inquiring a definition. 

**med·i·tate | \ ˈme-də-ˌtāt \**

**noun:**

**to engage in contemplation or reflection**

**“He meditated long and hard before announcing his decision.”**

"You haven't noticed my meditations before? I have been out of practice… they've been helping with… you know. It makes me feel better. My mind clear, I'm able to think." 

Zero thought about it. He did notice he was... doing something but he wasn't certain what it is.

"If you want... You can join me."

"But, I don't know how to meditate." he didn't meet his eyes, doubting he would want him to join him anyways. There was a pause. 

“...Zero… If you don’t want to… You don’t have to. I was just asking, is all,” his voice was soft, and his eyes were gentle. 

It hurt. That tone, it was how he asked him why he didn’t love him anymore. 

He didn’t know why.

If he loved him once, he should be able to love him again. 

“...X…” he sighed, “Of course I want to do it.”

“You don’t even know what it is.”

“...I don’t… But, I want to learn.”

He pursed his lips together, and Zero was frightened for a moment he once against said or did something wrong. Instead, he said,

“...Meditation...is… Well, just taking a moment. To not think… or focus on anything. It's sort of like, the traffic of your mind is a highway, and you are sitting on the sidelines watching it go by. It has a lot of significant religious practice, but for me, I’m able to reflect and think about things when I know I’m getting too worked up about something. It's training your mind to breathe." 

“...” it was clear he didn’t understand. It’s not that he wasn’t paying attention, he just a hard time grasping that. How could you watch the thoughts of your mind? Wouldn’t that be thinking about how our watching? The flow of traffic never stops Weapon specs, threat assessments, temperature readings, alerts, commands, warnings. None of that would stop rattling in his mind. They wouldn’t stop shaking his head like a jar of candy. There’s no point in trying to fight it. It’s just how it’s always been. The traffic of his mind was always crowded with bumps and potholes in the road, but he sped through the mess with grace. 

Yet…

“You don’t get it.”

“No, but I want to try.” 

X went into the other room, and Zero followed. It was a quiet, airy room with not many things inside, except for more plants, succulents on the wall, hanging slightly, and on the windowsill.

He entertained the notion, of sitting in the middle of the toom on the comfortable floor pillows. He relaxed into a straight and subtle posture, crossing his legs and closing his eyes. 

_...O2 Detections higher than normal_

It whispered in his ear.

Hush. 

Zero copies his movements and waits for an explanation. 

X took a deep breath, his chest rose gently.

“Close your eyes.”

He did. The scene before him disappeared, he sat in darkness. 

“...Imagine… You’re floating over the ocean waves. The wind whipping around you, the chill of the ocean waves crash. There is raw… chaotic energy."

He gasps for breath, clinging onto his sail, the waves surge at him, licking his feet. There was nothing and nobody for hundreds of miles. The thought leads fear to gnaw at him, like a puppy chewing on wires. 

"But... The sea may surge, and taunt you to join… It splashes, wanting you to join. But you don’t think about the waves. You are calm, and nothing that is happening is so important that it needs your attention. Your thoughts even, that wander, you shouldn’t bother focusing on. The waves don't affect you... nothing can." 

It was a little easier now. The crashing whipping of the sea that he envisioned stayed focus on his thoughts. He was starting to see what he meant. His body was like a separate entity, and he was watching himself, his body split in two. 

“Then it’s calm.”

The ocean was blue, so blue and clear. The sand was white, sparkling in the sun. it frothed slightly, pushing the sand into the ocean and back onto the beach. 

His alerts and warnings were quiet. All was quiet…

The traffic in his mind had ceased, for a moment.

...

...

...

He enjoyed the silence until a thought popped it. 

Isn’t it a little too quiet?

He opened his eyes, X softly gasped in his sleep. His expression was gentle, relaxed, and his mouth was slightly open.

“....” he decided not to wake him. He laid a blanket over his body, knowing the day would leave him in good hands.

…

He was free now to do whatever he liked. Zero chose to go down to the greenhouse, and look at the plant life. X had positioned a bench near a fountain. The water running was soothing. Background noise was welcomed. 

Chirp, chirp. 

He looked up, shocking at the birds nestled in a tree. He didn't know the variety, a mother was feeding her babies an earthworm, they zeroed and stuck their heads out, nipping at and nibbling the threat. 

"We were going to be a family."

The breath was knocked out of his chest and his head spun, suddenly woozy. He couldn't believe he had forgotten that part. There were plans he and X shared. A life they were going to have. Things they were going to do. It was unfair. 

Why did he have to lose all of it?! What had he done… why would his systems do this… ruin it all…?

The greenery blew into a twisted landscape for his thoughts. Frustration, anger, sadness all welded together read to hope. His hair cascaded down like a waterfall, he propped his face with his hands, wanting to scream. Wishing there was something he could do. To get away from this nightmare. 

...A family was something he could never have now.

Someone placed a hand on his shoulder. The plants snapped into their normal placements. He sighed in a sad tone.

"...Zero…" X said, "you could have woke me up instead of the blanket."

"...I could have. I figured you would want to be alone.

"Zero… you're still my friend."

"..." he shook his head. "That isn't who I am anymore. I was more to you. I'm sorry."

"...For what?"

" I still don't believe what you said, it doesn't sound real but it had to be. It has to be. I must have done- or said something to be punished. Now you are paying for it." 

"I don't blame you. It's not… really your fault. "

"I had to have done something."

"Blaming yourself for it makes it even worse. I think it's better… if we just forget it all… "

"...but without those memories… I won't be the same person. The one you…" he trailed off.

"..." X squeezed his shoulder. "You don't love me. I'm fine with just being friends. "

He turned to him. Mouth open to speaking. Tears rolled down X's cheeks.

"It's not fine X..."

"I know. But... I can't lose you," he sobbed, "You might not be… the same person… but you're still Zero. No one can take you away from me…"

Zero reached out, wiping his face. X sniffed. "Thank you. And… thank you for going with me. For meditating with me."

"I’d like to do that again."

He smiled. "I'm glad." 

"..X… I don't know how you do it. Smile through the pain."

"The thing is Zero, I've had practice. So much practice when I was a hunter. It's not even that bad. I believe there's a chance to rebuild the life I wanted to… the life with you. Somehow… you loved me once. I… hope you can love me again…"

He blushed and turned quiet. 

"Zero… please look at me."

Zero did. He glanced at him, not making eye contact. He- X cusped his cheek. 

"It's okay if things never go back to the way it was. You're still my best friend and you always will be."

"..." Zero looked at him, "You say that, but one day… you'll regret it. "

"I won't. What I would regret, is chasing you away."

"You are too kind."

He shrugged. "I know. Doesn't make it less true."

...

_Log; Day 36_

_X has forgiven me. But then again. He doesn't think I hurt him in the first place. Thinking about it…_

_Actually… I would rather stop here. I want to stop here… I… X…_

_...When I woke up… I thought how worried I was you were hurt. What does love even mean? What does it feel like?_

_End log._

…

"Do you remember Axl?"

“I remember you mentioning him.”

"But you remember talking to Alia, Signas, Douglas right?"

He nodded.

"But not Layer and Palette?"

"Who?"

"That's what I mean." He laughed. "I think we should invite them over. You could have your second first meeting."

"...Invite them over?" Zero cut into the tomato he was chopping. He glanced over to X, who was stirring. The steam wafted up, as the pot bubbled, a flame flickering under it. The kitchen was warm with the scent of cooking food and the pumpkin-spiced candles he lit. It was warm, cozy. He hasn't felt like this… he doesn't think ever. He wonders where X is going with this. 

"Invite them over, as in, a party?

"...A party?" 

He nodded, "A party. "

"What do you mean?

"What do you mean? We fix food, and have fun."

"...Fun?" 

"I know you know what Fun is. "

"Of course I do. It's just… we used to not have a lot of time… to do fun things." 

"...You're right. It feels so long ago… but it wasn't. Now we only have time for fun things. Is that weird for you?"

"... A little." He set aside the chopped tomato, picking up a green bell pepper. "I was wondering, where did we get this house?"

"...They gave us a lot of money- the government, for our services. So we decided to buy a house. In fact…" he looked longingly out the window, "You're the one who came up with the idea of the greenhouse. I didn't- well I wasn't planning on taking my hobby to that level but you insisted. "

"A lot of the rooms are empty."

"Yes, but… when we discussed having children…"

Zero flinched. He cut open his finger, red unprocessed energen burst from the wound. He stuck it into his mouth, listening to X.

"... We wanted those spare rooms."

Zero decided to steer away from that topic. "... A party sounds fun."

"I'm glad you think so. Do you think that? That doesn’t sound like the Zero I know.”

“...No… I don’t think it will be fun.” he admitted, “But I do want to see Alia, Douglas, and Signas again. It’s been a while. I think.”

He knew. It a week after their first meditations session. Exactly 43 days. They just came back from their seventh mediation session- but also their first session that was in the rain. It was cold, and now his hair was wet. He shuddered, feeling it drip on his back, X had tied it into a braid that was half the length of his usual hair and much more manageable but also dried much more slowly. X’s cheeks were still rosy, and his nose was pink. 

It was a… interesting experience. He felt he could focus better on the loud nosy rain, sticking their business in him and chilling him to his metallic skeleton. He can't say he regrets it. His thoughts seemed to be less scrambled and messy in his head. He wouldn’t say he was calm, but he would say he was happy.

“You sure?” X asked.

“I know most of these people. I’m sure it will be fine X. You can trust me.”

He shook his head, “That’s not what I mean. I’m not worried about trusting you. I’m worried that… they’ll treat you differently and make you uncomfortable.”

“...” he slid all the vegetables into a pan with olive oil and looked at X. “I can handle it.”

“I know you can. But, X-”

“You don’t want me to feel uncomfortable. I understand that. I won’t feel uncomfortable. I want to learn more and meet them. I can handle myself X. I’ve defeated more mavericks than you ever will.”

X huffed, “You haven’t killed more than Vile has by accident.”

Zero chuckled, “That’s true. I won’t ever beat his kill count. By the way-"

“He’s gone too. Sigma was the one rebuilding him over and over. When Sigma died-”

He laid back, against the counters, arms propping him up, eyes wide, “He what?!”

“...Oh, that’s right. I bet that’s a shock. 5 years is such a little time, and yet so long. 5 years ago… neither of us would have dreamed of it.”

“No, my dreams are of the old man.” he slicked back his hair, “He’s dead?”

“Yes.”

“How do you know?”

“I saw him,’ X said.”

“So did I. The first time, the second, the third, the fourth, the fifth-”

“Before we didn’t have mother elf.”

“Mother elf?”

“Ah… that’s a bit complicated to explain.” he scratched his matted, still wet hair. “I’m sure if you ask Douglas-”

“He will read me a 100-page thesis. No thanks.” he deadpanned, “I’ll just search about it later and write it in my log.”

“You’re writing a log?”

Zero felt a wave of embarrassment over him, although he knew it wasn’t embarrassing. “It was to keep track of all the new information I gathered… Then it became a habit.”

“...Could you let me listen to them one day?”

“Er… how soon?”

“When you want me too.” he said, reaching over him, he grabbed the spatula and stirred the veggies in the pan, “hand me the pasta sauce before it burns.”

He handed it to him. X dumped it into the pan, it quieted the sizzling, into a gentle boil. 

"Mm… smells good."

"...How do you host a party?" He wondered aloud.

"It's easy," X reassured him. "You just need food. Oh, I think we should host a dinner party. There's this steak roll recipe I want to try out."

"Steak roll?"

"Stuffed steak roll."

"How does that taste?" 

"Like steak and delicious vegetables. You're the one who wanted to try and make it."

"..I don't know if ill get my memories back… X."

"Don't worry about that… okay? Let's just have fun." 

"...Alright." he agreed, "ill help cook."

"I hope. I cant feed…" he paused and counted out everyone. "Alia, Douglas, Signas, Layer, Axl, Palette, me, you… Eight reploids. Axl always eats his weight so maybe even nine. My, that's a lot of work you know."

"I know, that's why I want to help."

"I'll make a list of everything we need, you gather the ingredients at the store- or well, we’ll do that together, I don’t have much to do. We make the steak roll, I suppose we won't need many sides... hm…” he thought, “maybe some macaroni and cheese. I’ll also make some pumpkin cookies.”

“Pumpkin cookies?” he questioned. 

“It’s not hard to understand,” he teased. “They are cookies with pumpkin and pumpkin spice You loved making them.”

“Me? I don’t know how to cook.”

“Not cook, bake.” He grabbed various spices in the cabinet, dabbing this and that, “Food you feel with your heart. You can’t be precise with cooking because everyone's tastes are different. More salt, less salt, whatever you want. It’s not guesswork, you have a feeling in your gut say, the soup you’re working on would be good with coriander and a bit of pepper. Could you hold that strainer over the sink? The noodles are done.”

He held it for him, X poured water and noodles in, that sprung up, fluffy and enlarged. Water spiraled down the drain, and steam fluffed up from their noodles. Zero waved it away, aware that it would just come back.

“Baking is a science. Measurements have to be precise, you have to follow the recipe. The difference between the melted and softened butter can affect the texture of the batter and how they come out. Every minute counts, 5 minutes makes the difference between crunchy and burnt, and that ¼ tablespoon of salt and creme of tartar does matter. It’s the polar opposite, yet the same, like us.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve always listened to your brain, I’ve listened to my heart. Yet both of us, we know.. We fought for a better future. Together. And you will always be the one who is closest to me.”

“...” he lifted his forearm over the lower half of his face. “Quit mentioning it already.”

“Right. It’s obvious.”

“Exactly. You don’t need to tell me that. Do you think I could listen to anyone else talk about the difference between cooking and baking?”

“So I’m boring.”

“No, everything you say is interesting, but if it came from Alia’s mouth I’d only half listen.”

“...” he smiled at him strangely.

“What?”

“Oh, nothing. I’ve just heard that before so many times.”

“...” he scowled. Only one word came to mind. “X, you’re impossible.”

“And I’ve heard that even more times. Do you know what I say next?”

Zero shook his head.

“Same to you. You’re just as impossible. If not more.”

“...” his hair was cold but he felt warm. 

_Log; day 47._

_X has made a plan for us to go to the supermarket tomorrow and gather ingredients… for a… party. Now… I’m not sure how I was talked into it. He was happy about it, however… the light in his eyes was…_

_Well, I suppose they were like always. Everyone's eyes look the same, but I always think of jewels when I glance at his eyes. It’s cliche but if I compare them to a glass cup I sound insane._

_X is beautiful. I’ve always known that._

_I’ve just never said it aloud._

_[Pause]_

_I’m deleting this log after it’s done. So X never hears I said that. That would get his hopes up. It doesn’t count, as being romantic, when you’ve always been aware that you’ve loved someone._

_No, I didn’t mean to say that! Goddammit. What’s wrong with me? My energy levels aren’t that low for me to slip up what I say. I’m not waxing poetically about X. That’s not what this is. Maybe someday- but I can’t have those feelings, not now. I still can’t remember what love feels like- if I ever thought Iris was beautiful and that isn’t the same is it? I barely knew Iris. She was the kind of person I should have disliked. A world of just reploids is a world without humans. And that goes against what X has always worked for. He’s still working for it- I saw it on his calendar, marking meetings with political officials, it was al crossed out until New Year's Day._

_[Long pause]_

_I’m getting too heated about this…_

_End log._

_Log; Day 47_

_I deleted the previous log. I don’t know what I’m talking about. X don’t worry about it, it was unimportant if you even are hearing this. We’re throwing a party. You are making a steak roll, round steak roll. Not chuck beef. He told me I liked to bake. I’ve never baked in my life, I found that impossible to believe._

_Not much else._

_End Log._

_Log; Day 48_

_X and I gathered the ingredients needed. I don’t know anything about cooking. I realize. Somehow it’s reassuring X will be there to hold my hand. Sometimes literally. It does hurt a little how he holds it. Like it’s his lifeline, the last thing he ever had of me. I suppose with how much I have changed, my hands are still the same. I’m realizing that I don’t know much about myself._

_X can tell me what he likes, who created him, his goals, and aspirations._

_I don’t know. What I like, my creator. Do I want to be- Do I want a family? I’m not sure._

_I might delete this log as well. I’ll consider it._

_X told me we’ll cook early tomorrow, at 3 or 4 o’clock so it will be ready by 6. He also bought a case of what is coined as “Degenerative Energy” Or also called D-Frag, the process of your mind processing, collecting, and organizing your thoughts and memories as you recharge. Supposedly, it is named that since too much will make you enter sleep mode. I don’t know why anyone would drink it if it did that. I asked X and he said it made people “loosen up”_

_Indeed._

_He told me to not let Axl have any. He also expressed disappointment that he invited a friend of his without asking. I asked if I should tell him off_

_X said no, that he was just excited._

_I already dislike him._

_End log._

X cussed. This caught Zero’s attention, he looked over at X, who has held his bleeding finger. 

“What happened?”

“Wasn’t looking at what I was doing.” he licked it off, “Don’t worry about it.”

He wouldn’t. X was serious today. How did he know? The apron he was wearing, already stained with food and smeared with flowers, his sleeves-rolled-up, and glared at the steak with anger.

“...How did you cut your finger when you were… pounding- beating the meat?”

“It’s called tenderizing.” X corrected. “For this, we’re spreading out the meat to increase the size of the roll.” 

“I see. How did you cut yourself?”

He was still bleeding. X shook his hand, clearly annoyed, "Guess the end was sharp. Agh, I'm going to contaminate the meat!" 

“Give it here." Zero then tore a paper towel and wrapped the finger, pressing down. Not hard enough to hurt, of course.

X smiled, “Thank you.”

“...Don’t say it like that. X looked confused, and Zero tossed the paper towel away.

“Sure.”

Now Zero truly did not know what to do while baking but it felt natural. He leveled the cup of flour, dumping it into a small bowl. 

Salt, flour, sugar. Pumpkin spice. Combine while stirring with pumpkin puree, butter, and 1 large egg. 

While he was rolling out the balls and setting them on a large cookie sheet, X was waiting for his steak roll to finish cooking in the oven. 

He wondered if it would taste good. He asked X,

“I don’t know, It’s my first time making it.”

He blinked. “Then why would you make it for a dinner party?”

“Why? Hm… Well… The picture looked good. And it’s like I said Zero, You’re the one who found the recipe in the first place. I’m sure it’s good.”

“You’re sure? How could you be sure?”

“If it sucks, I’ll adjust for next time. Like right now, I know 325 degrees at 1 hour and 30 minutes is way too long. If I leave it for the full time it’s going to be dry.”

“How do you know?”

“Experience.”

“I thought you said cooking was done… with… your heart or something,” he frowned, not getting it.

“It is done with your heart,” he reassures. “Most of it is done with your heart... But that’s built from experience as well as your gut. Most people don’t know everything about cooking.”

“....” Zero thought about it, “Baking… is not like that?”

“I mean… you can’t adjust most things in baking.”

“That doesn't make me feel good. That makes it sound as though I am incapable of changing.”

“No, that’s what you like about it,” X insisted, “It’s mostly logic and reasoning but it’s built off your work, all that you’ve gone through too. It’s not just… it’s not just your heart. But everyone can feel their heart sing when they smell a sweet, fresh-baked pastry.”

“When did this become less about baking and into a metaphor about life?!” he wasn’t sure why his tone turned sharp. X was startled, blinking a few times. His eyebrows quirked down. Unconsciously, he ruffled his hair to the side.

_Handsome._

“What do you mean?”

“Facts and logic… I never asked for them. It’s not like they’ve been that kind to me recently. If I’m supposed to be so logical like you keep saying I am-”

“Zero that’s just your personality.” he nudged his face to him with his hand, holding it there gently. The reploid towered over him. Zero could picture how this looked to outsiders, the armored, helmeted war machine next to X- father of _all reploids except him._

“...”

He continued, “I’m not saying it’s any better, or any worse… than being like me. You know I’ve always been like this. I- I’m too tied in my relationships with humans, my… love for them- I don’t know how else to say it. I’ve always been fond of them-”

Zero interrupted him, “That’s not the point X. The point is that- the point is that- you’re fine to be like that. And you have gotten better. You weren’t the same rookie that couldn’t defeat Vile so many… What has it been… 20 years?”

X visibly swallowed. “...Maybe.”

“It wasn’t ever a fucking flaw. Sure- it was- frustrating for me maybe…” he tried to recall feeling like he did back then. He struggled to fully remember, some of his memory logs were so old they were no longer even compatible with his systems. Years of updates will do that to you. He didn’t need to fight and struggle his way to the top. He was always the perfect fighting machine. X was the perfect next step in humanity. Their attraction was the same but the polar opposite. He was magnetized to him.

_“Sorry- it’s my first week- I didn’t know.”_

_“You’ll have to pick up the slack rookie. You can’t be like that when you’re fighting mavericks.”_

Fear… but also determination in his eyes… No…

It’s not fear, it was compassion.

“Zero, you’re squeezing my shoulders.”

He blinked dazedly at reality. Not sure if he was alive.

“...Er… Sorry.”

He awkwardly let go.

“It’s fine. I just… don’t understand what you’re trying to say.”

Zero sighed, speaking now.

“You’re fine how you are. I’ve always been… Someone… that was supposed to be cruel. And used. Then I found you. I feel like you’ve made me a better person X, but the fact is… I won’t ever really understand myself. I can’t understand myself.”

“How do you know you can’t? Have you ever tried?”

Zero snapped at him, foolish, he knew, he regretted it as soon as he said it.

“Yes, I’ve tried! But what can I do-” he shoved the damned cookie pan in the oven, aware it was 10 minutes till 6. The heat of the oven made him more frustrated. At X, at himself.

“How can I understand when I don’t even know if I love you or not?!”

X stared at him. 

Zero felt shame wash over him. He couldn’t tell anything going on in X’s head, and that made it worse, the longer he stared, the less he could understand what he was thinking. 

It was silent for so long when the doorbell rang, they both jumped.

“Hey! X! Zero! I’m here!”

An unfamiliar voice cheered for their attention. Then the rap- rap-rap the banging of the door.

“...Axl is early.”

_That’s Axl?!_

“...We’ll talk more later.”

Zero’s stomach twisted. He knew he fucked up and he was sorry. He didn’t want to deal with fucking dinner party guests or whatever bullshit. He wanted to tell Axl and his goddamned lavender-haired friend to fuck off, and not come back.

Axl laughed when he saw him. He wanted to laugh back at him and sneer at the young, underdeveloped reploid with the spiky hair and the ripped skin on his nose in the mark of an X. 

He didn’t think of X when he saw him, he was mature, and was carefree in how he moved, how he spoke, how he dances. With happiness, blissfulness, innocence. Axl was like an unpleasant sneeze, loud and you were glad it was over.

“Jeez, you look pretty pissed off huh? Sorry, Zero. You don’t need to worry X told us everything. I’m only going to say this- you fucked up."

His irritation grew.

“Axl you’re going to make him snap," his companion urged him. 

“Listen to your lavender haired girlfriend.”

“Excuse me?!” the girlfriend in question put a hand on his chest, his exasperated demeanor turned enraged. He met the gaze of what could have been the pure hatred of a maverick. It was impressive, but Zero had nurtured a glare that left men shaking for years and met him with matched intensity.

“Lumine…” Axl laughed uncertainly, “man this first impression is not going good.”

“It’s also your last impression,” Zero remarked. 

X came back into the room with crossed arms. He felt the shame come over him again so he eased his glare. 

Axl looked between both of them.

“...Man… this sucks for both of you.”

X was used to his comments. He ruffled the boy's hair. 

“Trouble in paradise?” Axl remarked.

“It hasn’t been a paradise for over a month.”

“Yeah, Mom doesn’t remember me at all, he’s acting as he hates me.”

“Why is he calling me that?” Zero's voice was ice cold. 

“Don’t take it personally, mom it’s a nickname!”

“Don’t call me mom," he snapped back. 

Axl rolled his eyes, “Typical mom. Hey, Lumy, I’ll show you around the house!”

“Sounds fun.” He held out his hand.

“Er…” X began, “isn’t that the responsibility of the host?”

“Yeah but, you’re going to be busy with everyone else. They were like 10 steps behind me.”

_Ding-dong._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter coming a week from today uvu


	3. When Zero Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He doesn't know what it feels like to cry

Alia slipped her blond hair behind her ear, smiling with everyone else as they talked. She was the same as he remembered her, happy, responsible, a little motherly. How she would speak with sincerity, that she cared for you and your well-being. She was truly a wonderful navigator and deserved to be a leader.

Signas was not at all how he remembered. The hat for one was missing, and he was downing down glasses of D-frag like it was the end of the world. Did he even comb his hair? 

“Good stuff. Nice choice X, you always pick the good stuff.”

“Don’t drink too much commander,” X teased him. This earned laughter that everyone joined in.

“I wanna try some!” Axl whined.

“Not yet, you’re not old enough,” Alia said, then exasperated, “Signas you have work tomorrow don’t you?”

“That’s tomorrow.” he opened one eye to look at her as he drank, and set it down on the table with a sigh. “If I’m a bit tipsy no one’s going to care. It’s just an office job.”

That didn’t sound at all like the commander he knew. But no one commented on it. It was normal for them. Like how it was normal to see their commander in a white shirt and jeans, lazily sipping drinks next to Alia, her hair messy and in a bun, wearing a bright pink sweater.

“Oh, here we go,” the other blonde rolled her eyes. Pallette was it? She was smaller than she expected and wore slightly orange-tinted round glasses that reminded him of Douglas.

“If you’re going to complain about your job again I’ll puke,” She continued and played with the twintails on her head by spinning it around her finger.

“Sweetheart…” Layer used to have a crush on him, Axl helpfully informed him when she came in. She wasn’t his type, but she was pretty. She dressed very elegantly, in a black cocktail dress that was too elegant for a dinner party with friends where they were about to eat stuffed steak roll and pumpkin coo-

_**THE COOKIES!** _

He surprised everyone when he got up from the table, his chair creaked as he got up, X lifted a hand, signaling him to sit down.

“I know you forgot about the cookies. You can sit down.”

Embarrassed he did.

“You know you can say something Zero.”

That didn’t help to come from Axl. Zero glared at him whilst he smiled so innocently.

“If I didn’t know better I would think they hated each other,” Alia laughed.

Douglas chimed in, leaning forward over his empty plate, “Right, they aren’t getting along at all.”

“Pointing it out won’t make them get along better,” Lumine cryptically pointed out.

“Moi, I guess that’s true,” Palette was still playing with her hair

“Dear, do you want me to put your hair up?” Layer extended her hand as a swan would extend their long neck. Palette shook her head,

“Nah, I’ll just be tempted to play with it more”

“Well alright…”

Douglas spoke again, “This is nice and all X- getting the gang back together but uh… I’m kind of hungry. I’ve been running test results all day,” he grinned sheepishly, and adjusted his glasses. They glinted across his face.

“Someones a glutton today.” 

Douglas stuck his tongue at Palette defiantly, “So what if I am?”

“Fortunately for you, I want some food too,” she coyly jabbed her finger at him.

“Douglas it’s really good timing you brought that up. It should be finished- Zero?”

“...” he blinked.

“Could you bring us the roll from the oven? There’s already a serving dish out, all you have to do is cut off the butcher's twine.”

He nodded and headed for the kitchen. He caught the glance of Axl and Lumine again.

A pair that is more annoying together than apart.

When he stepped out, their voices whispered to a hush. He pretended to not think they were talking about him. He followed X’s instructions, there's was a deep ornate plate set on the counter- he picked the roll from the tongs, it dripped slightly with the Worcester sauce. Liquid pooled slightly underneath the meal when he set it down.

...It appears X did not make the mac and cheese.

He doubts that will be an issue the roll is bigger than he would have guessed.

He did just pretend that they were not talking about it, but he stood outside the door anyway.

“He’s different.”

“You can't deny that…”

“I don’t know how you’re dealing with it. I couldn’t imagine…”

“If someone I loved forgot they loved me-”

“You’re dealing with it alright? You can always talk with us.”

“Douglas is right. We’re all your friends here. We want to be sure that you’re okay!”

“I’m fine… it is hard but I’m taking it… A day at a time. I was a wreck before, I’m glad none of you saw me like that.”

Someone tutted, “We’re here to listen to you X.”

“Ugh, now I feel bad…”

“That wasn’t at all my intention! It’s just- you’re all right… it is so hard. But it’s fine... It’s like… learning all about Zero again. He’s different but the same.”

“I wouldn’t say that he was looking at us like we grew 3 heads.”

“Well, if I remembered Signas as the commander I would be disillusioned.”

“Maybe, I couldn’t disagree with that.”

It wasn’t his fault everyone was different and he was with strangers- people he never met before. All these people- he was happier when he was just talking to X. X was wrong… if he was going to be judged like this… For something out of his control- when He felt plenty bad about it already. He was… he was sorry. He was. He felt so out of place-All he could think was that he was sorry but he wouldn’t lose his memories on purpose ever. He wishes that he could put things back together as they were before. He wished… he wished he could put together all the pieces. Everyone was out of place. Alia in her pink sweater, no navigation headgear.

Signas, their calm and collected leader, always had a plan of attack. Always knew what to do. Always so serious drinking the night away.

Douglas- he was so skinny under all his armor he looked like he would disappear. He was different too.

All those strangers he allegedly already met.

“...” it was too much for him. What do you do when you’re in a room of people you’ve never met, but the smile and you and greet you as though you’ve known each other for years?

_They’re disappointed you don’t act the way you were supposed to act._

He missed the rest of their conversation. Suddenly they were all laughing, at some joke someone had made maybe. He didn’t think they were laughing at him, he squashed those irrational thoughts- that were indeed _irrational._ They have better things to talk about than just him.

Zero peeked his head, out of curiosity before he entered.

X joined in the group of uproarious laughter. His cheeks pink and rosy with life, Zero was struck with the same feeling, the same impression he first had with X. The energy, the happiness of X before he joined the hunters before Sigma bombed Abel City and forever changed the course of human- and reploid history, he was happier in this future. Happier than he ever saw him. It filled him… with happiness. Seeing someone else that meant so much to him made him happy. Was it a paradox? Was that normal, for seeing someone happy to make him happy? Is that supposed to happen, a regular occurrence? What was this feeling that spread to his cheeks with flush? That made him want to stare at him?

Axl caught his eye and smirked. He still couldn’t decide if he liked him or if he hated him.

He was not embarrassed he had gotten caught. Zero confidently strode into the room and did not hold onto what any of them said. Alia clapped her hands and squealed with delight.

“It looks delicious!”

X beamed, “I’m glad- Oh fuck I forgot a knife.”

That got a giggle out of everyone on the table, and X flushed _cutely_ with embarrassment.

Fuck.

His core was having palpitations, and his hands shook slightly, he nearly dropped it on the table. His blunder was not unnoticed by the others, X asked in a worried sort of tone.

“Are you okay Zero?”

“I’m fine,” he reassured him. His voice did not shake when he spoke.

“Are you sure?”

He was not certain. “I’ll get the knife”

“I think I left it on the table!” X cheered after him when he went to get it. But really, he went in and out, gave X the knife, and no one noticed when he slipped out of the room.

He didn’t think he would have anything to add anyway. He‘s realizing something now… Something he should have already known. As much as X says- how painful it would be for him to lose Zero, he should love Zero if all he functions as a painful reminder of who he no longer is. And… no one… Would lose anything… no one would lose anything if they lose him…

Douglas took the knife from his hand, they were clamoring how wonderful the meal smelt and then he was gone.

...he wonders if the pumpkin cookies are any good.

He did like sleeping next. The bed in the guest bedroom is big and cold. He’s not used to so much space when their recharge pod was so small. He wondered if Zero- the Zero he’s become separated from, the one that he was and no longer could be elt the same wat. That X was so warm and comforting late at night when the nightmares threatened to persist. He’s never had a chance at comfort like that… It seemed now he could never have the chance to experience it.

_Even if he did love X now it’s not the same because he’s not the same. He’s different. It’s not the world that’s changed he has changed._

He could only ever serve the painful reminder of what X lost. That would be his legacy now…

He was the warbot who could not and should not love. He was the one who knew nothing of the piece. All he could remember was loss and hurt and pain and endless war. He was the one who contents to let peace be a gentle and sweet dream…

Not content, but never truly believed.

All he’s ever known is war since the moment he woke up. How did other Zero know he was in love? He didn’t know iris- that he was in love with her. Someone told him that. And he believed it. But what if they were wrong? Is this love? Is that love? What is love and why could he not believe in it?

He needs to face it. X and he will forever be eons apart. With all the time they spend, he always won't be _his_ Zero, the Zero that belonged to him… he was intruder Zero… Someone clueless. Who made him cry without trying. Who couldn’t even kiss him to make him happy? If he could just have pretended…

Everything would have been like it was before. He would have belonged to everyone else at the dining table.

...The world he knew was no longer his world.

He knew that before he even awoke. But It was quiet, and his core barely moved. It did not stutter with a familiar rhythm, it was weak and weary in his chest. But knowing a world wasn't your world did not help him calm, it did not help him settle.

Please, tell him he wasn't in another haunting nightmare. the world was sane, and he was sane. The world was sane... and he was sane wasn't he? if the world wasn't sane, and he wasn't sane, who was he and why did he bother?

What are these rambling musings that didn't make any sense?

"Zero."

He blinked, his eyes coming into focus. X sighed, in his blue iconic armor. His forehead gem sparkled. 

"There you are, did you doze off during our meeting?"

Zero blanked at him. Not blink. his face, his expression was a blank thing, it would have been the same if someone had wiped his face with a spare cloth and his expression melted away like the paint on a toy. In his mind, he felt completely on alert, someone had cranked the core in his chest like a windup toy and it was moving, beating at his chest for escape. He looked around... Searching for the bedroom he was in, but it was a dark, and weary meeting room. 

"...No... Where is the dinner party...?"

"....?" his head tilted to the side. "There is no dinner party. We had a meeting, and you slept it all away... "

"....No... We were having a dinner party. I said something stupid before everyone arrived, and you served a stuffed steak roll to everyone. I left before everyone ate. I didn't deserve to be there with everyone else."

"That's silly..." he shook his head, "If that did happen, I would have insisted that you sat down to eat."

"No, you didn't. You didn't notice I left... and I can't blame you that you didn't notice..."

"Zero?"

"X?"

X paused, the words say in his mouth for a long moment. he spoke with unease. "Are you okay?"

Zero shook his head for no. X asked him why.

"I don't... Know... I want to know something..."

"I will tell you anything." X said seriously. "...I mean it... I will tell you anything if you asked me."

"...How long were you in love with me?"

"..." He flushed, he didn't expect the question, which Zero was certain that if the situation reversed neither would he. Why would he? Why would he expect it?

'...What... made you... realize?" he confidently squeaked out.

it was... the same X as before. Who hunched over the table when he was only around Zero. Carrying the burden of the world, burdened with something he shouldn't have been burdened with. it... was the same as always. it was the same as always...

He twiddled with his fingers, his words moody.

"....So you have been for a while."

"...yes. If that ruins our friendship-"

"Was that what you were scared of? Don't be ridiculous... " He murmured.

"Ridiculous? Iris-"

"I'm tired of thinking of Iris," he said bitterly and looked to his side. it was true, he was tired of even thinking about her, tired of her corpse being the key to his turmoil. it was a little mean, maybe, he didn't care. he was tired. Tired of it all. Iris was someone that should have been laid to rest by now. it was clear to him that, reflecting on the past was not the truth to anything. It wouldn't change the present. But also, He was sick, and very tired that Iris that, Iris this. iris iris iris. Why did she have to come up?

"....I'm living in the past... when everyone else has already left me behind and is in the future..."

"Zero?"

"X..."

Zero, Zero, Zero, Zero, Zero-

"Stop saying my name like that, it's killing me. I can't think of anything when everyone is screaming at me."

"What are you talking about?" he put an assured hand on his shoulder, "How about we go and spar? you need some stress relief..."

"I don't need stress relief! We're far beyond that X! What I need... is to remember everyone... to remember everything. To stop feeling so out of place and focus... Dammit..." he bowed, everything slowing. "I can't even allow myself to believe that I've been transported here again... when I've learned so much... about you... about life, we were going to have... About... children, I don't know how to raise a child, why do I feel anguish, why do I feel pain? Why does love hurt, why is it... every time I'm in love... Why is it every time I',m in love I ruin everything..."

_fucking Iris, why, why, why, I'm sorry-_

"I never meant to kill her! I never meant for things to go so far! I destroyed her, I destroyed her brother, I destroyed repliforce. but it's fitting because all I was fucking built to do was destroy. How could you ever understand me?!" His hands leaped for X's throat, he squeezed but X smiled so kindly at him, his eyes flickered with warm light, his breath hot it tickled against his face. he felt so warm, he didn't feel like the apparition he was, coming to haunt the slumber that should be eternal.

"Don't be so dramatic," he purred, barely moving his lips to speak. "I understand you because I love you."

"Shut up!" he squeezed harder, with enough force that it should break him in half. but it didn't. X calmly pushed it away, flipping their positions. he sat on top of him, looking at him, eyes big. 

"...You're so stupid. You're a big idiot you know that? iris loved you, she didn't care if she died. She gave her life for something important. You aren't trying to kill me."

"Stop talking about Iris. I'm already fed up with it. What does love mean?"

"What kind of explanation do you want?"

"The one that doesn't leave me so empty..." 

"you're being silly. You already know what love is."

"you're not helping."

He didn't help. He didn't...

It was a shock to him, to be woken so suddenly, his body ransacked with tremors. he snapped to attention, frowning in extreme irritation to who woke him up.

His voice dripped with hatred, his eyes bore into the teenager with the strange scar in the red hoodie.

"What do you want?"

"You were murmuring X's name in your sleep," he said matter of factly.

"Are you going to go downstairs and tell everyone that?"

Axl flinched, "Hey man, I'm not part of the gossiping. Neither is X, he's just letting everyone get them... Er, emotions out, he's not joining in on it."

"I don't want to go downstairs," he crossed his arms, "I refuse to."

"Really? Why?"

"Do I need to tell you why?"

"No, but I'm curious. look, he saved you a piece of roll, and those cookies you made were really good. just come back and... join in on the fun?" he handed him one of his cookies, golden brown.

"..." Zero took it. It was pretty good, sweet, buttery, a hint of pumpkin spice. it wasn't very pumpkin-like, but a romantic image of someone eating these on a crisp fall morning, overlooking the colorful trees panned before them came to his mind.

"No. Go away," he added.

"..." Axl sighed. "Listen, I get it. I do... I'm a weirdo stranger that waltzed in your life. It's weird, I know you, and you don't know me. The people you do know are a little different... But I know you right?" he jabbed a finger at him, "You don't give a shit about me but I care a lot about you and X. I wasn't joking earlier... it sucks for both of you. It's... messy for X, and messy for you."

"...I just don't understand."

"Understand what?"

"What love feels like."

"..." he looked out, somewhat somber and serious.

"I always got the impression you liked each other for a long time before you tied the knot."

"He did, I... Never got the memo."

"it works out like that sometimes. What is X to you then if you don't like him?"

"...I do like him. I-" he pressed a hand to his lips. "... I always thought he was amazing even if I never said it." What was he saying then? "Sounds foolish, but I never thought I had to ever said it. the type of relationship- we always understood each other." 

"That sounds right... No, that sounds exactly how you both are. You do that thing where you would smile at each other and everyone else would be blind to what you were talking about, but you understood."

"Was I different?"

"Did you ask X this?" He eyed him.

"...No." he did not meet those eyes. "I don't want to cause him pain."

"You might as well ask him. Whatever you do is going to cause him pain."

"I know that." Zero snapped at him, "That's what makes everything so fucking hard. Shit..." he put a hand on his head, so weary. "I shouldn't be talking like this with a snot-nosed brat like you. you're just going to gossip about me behind my back. I don't believe a word you said. I listened- I _heard your goddamn voice._ I don't care... what you were once to me. it doesn't fucking matter when I wake up one day and the life I had with X is destroyed, and I didn't mean to destroy it. I don't know what happened and it's killing me, it's killing him, I hurt him without even fucking meaning to and you have the goddamn _nerve_ to call me mom! We were going to have a family you- you- and it was all FUCKING TAKEN AWAY!" he realized this point he was screaming, and he saw his reflection in the mirror behind the wide-eyed reploid, cowering in fear.

His hair fluffed with anger, billowed like smoke, he unmeaning to softened his gaze when he looked at himself, that could have shattered the mirror.

_You're angry when you're mad._

_Scary._

_Cold._

Someone once told him he would be a terrible dad. She spoke with light mirth, still shaking in his presence, (maverick hunter Zero!) With the lightest of eyes and innocent of tones, she said,

_"You would be a horrible dad. You don't really understand how to relate with someone... not that it matters, but I always wanted someone... that understood me when I was growing up. If you can only think about yourself, you shouldn't be a parent."_

He marked her off as a crazy human at the time, he words nonsense to him. the notion he could ever be a father was ridiculous for good reasons. he was a reploid, he could only be a reploid. Trying to even understand, to even fathom having children would be going against who he was.

That's right. he has been acting selfishly. he's thought of X, but he hasn't thought of how he feels. he has thought of how he feels, but that didn't stop him from upsetting him. He knew it would upset it, and yet when he said it, it was like it didn't even matter. he was selfish, acting like an idiot. Holing himself upstairs in the guest bedroom like it would solve anything.

Sel-fish. 

"...Sorry."

"...Zero... That look you have is scarier than when you were yelling," he said bluntly. "Don't do something you'll regret."

"..." he slipped past them and into the hall. his footsteps were light behind him, a pat-pat to the thump of his boots.

"I'm warning you, where are you going? Zero- I promise- I swear-" he grabbed his hand. Zero cautiously lifted where they were connected, and kept his face stone cold. he gasped with worry, Axl, his eyebrows quirked down. 

"...Let's just talk about it. Please. I won't tell X. I just... Want you both to be okay. Is- is that alright I mean? I get... that you're different... I don't get how, I never met you when you were a hunter. The world changed before- I was someone who killed mavericks for a paycheck. I- fuck..." he wiped his eyes, "I was all alone.... and only you would take me in. You and X both. You were... So kind... you would make those cookies for me. I knew you got how I felt. You lost someone important to you too. It hurts to see you like this. it hurt when you called me a snot-nose brat. but I guess if we met at another time, in another world where everything was different. That would be how we met? You wouldn't take me seriously. You would just think I'm a snot-nose brat..."

"I can't be that Zero. I can't..." Zero bowed his head. "It's better to leave now... when you have these memories of me... than for you all to be ruined. Think about that Zero, who knew you, and cared enough about you to let you into my life." He ripped his arm from his grasp, the breath was stolen from his throat and he couldn't stop running. He never realized how he affected everyone.

"Zero!" Axl's voice, the one he was supposed to be anguished over. his heart with pain, X, who was supposed to be his lover. he ran out of the dinner party and into the calm air of the outside world. 

Running away from everyone. Staring at himself in the eye and losing. But- he wasn't running away because of that- he was running because he was trying not to be selfish. Staying around when everyone wanted to wasn't selfish- but it is selfish to do nothing and sit around, to pretend you're helping when you're not. He can't face everyone like this. He can't be around everyone when he's just a ghost of long-gone memories. He could return- he could return when everyone- he remembered them. He knew who he was. he knew the Zero everyone adored, everyone loved...

The one X loved...

_It's hard... but what would be harder would be to lose you..._

No matter what he was doing, he would hurt X. He would hurt Axl, Alia, Signas, Douglas, Palette, Layer if they all cared. 

Why would they care?

He couldn't handle the feelings- rolling about him, he wanted to scream. What was he supposed to do?! Was running wrong? Was staying wrong? What was he supposed to do?! He needed everything to return to normal! God, someone, please... please- just tell him what he could do. He didn't know. He wasn't meant for any of this. He was never meant for something like this. Love, friendship, his creator never kept him in mind. He wished everything was normal, why couldn't he be normal?!

He felt like he was at his breaking point. He couldn't keep it inside anymore. Zero took a deep breath, sucking it into his synthetic lungs. Then, he erupted. Screaming as hard as the vocal cords in his throat would allow him to. 

He screamed, not sure what he was screaming for out of all the things he could be screaming for which was it? What was he screaming too? He screamed, but the frustration, the sorrow, the anger, the confusion, boiled together until his face and chest felt hot, He screamed until his voice was hoarse. Until he disappeared into the wind. He screamed because the cliffs of the sea, that frothed with salty sea foam was more appealing than whatever he was doing, whatever he was screaming too, he wished he could throw himself into the depths of the ocean where he would no longer be seen, no longer be heard. The graceful strands of his hair would wave about, sinking with him, like ribbons of silk. He would sink until he met the bottom of the ocean, and that wouldn't kill him, for days, maybe weeks.

He wouldn't know of the impact he made, but he knew if he threw himself into the sea, someone would cry for him, someone would cry for him.

Zero couldn't calm himself. 

Zero stared at the floor of where he stood, shivering. Could he stop running? Was he far away enough?

Could... please... please... please just let him remember... Please, if there is a heavenly body either on heaven or on earth, please, could he please remember again. Could he please remember who he was... Could he come back, the same as everyone remembered him to be? could he act like everyone was fine and mean it? Could he be okay, and no longer wish he could cry? Could he feel normal and could he felt love without questioning its genuineness, could he feel love without hurting people? 

He felt something warm touch his shoulder, and wrap his arms around his chest. Against his better judgment, Zero knelt into it. 

"...Let me go..." His voice wavered.

"It's alright... Zero..." his voice was hushed, he whispered. "it's okay to let it all out..."

"Let me go," he insisted, not fighting X's grip. His tone was weak, cracking with something. He didn't know what the pressure behind his eyes was and it frightened him, something was coming up, and he didn't know what it was.

"Zero... Please look at me..." X pleaded with him. Zero was cowardly, and couldn't bring himself to do it. He shivered more intensely, his eyes wide open, fighting against his feelings. 

He couldn't, he wasn't going to let it win. He refused to- he wasn't going to-

"...Please... Zero..." But X... It was so soft, so pleading... He didn't want to, but he met his eyes. X blinked at him, sympathetic.

_Don't._

"Thank you Zero... Please.. tell me what's wrong..."

"..." he shook his head. "W-what's wrong... Is nothing. Nothing is wrong" why was he stuttering, he doesn't stutter, stop being like this. _Stop being like this._

"Was the dinner party too much? You left."

"...." what... what was this... why were his eyes and cheeks wet? What was this... why was he angry? Why was water pouring from his eyes?

Zero ripped from his grasp, and stood up, shaking as he stared him down. 

"If you saw me leave, why didn't you say anything?! Why did you pretend not to care?!"

"Of course I care Zero-"

"Stop it, I know you care that's the problem!" he was shouting at X again, like in the dream. 

"..." this X, however... wiped his tears away. "You're crying..."

"...This is crying?" Distracted from everything, he tried to wipe it away. it wouldn't stop coming, wetting his face more the harder he tried to stop it. He shivered, face scrunching up. He couldn't handle the weight of the tears. X embraced him again, and he let him, feeling his aching heart slowly being soothed, as he petted him. 

"It's alright..." X shushed him. "I don't blame you... I never blamed you for any of it..."

"I-I'm sorry..." he continued to stutter, Zero couldn't understand what he was saying, his hiccups from deep in his throat flurried up and down, he slurred his words, unable to speak cohesively. "there's no one else to blame. How can... How can I believe that X? I-I ruined everything... I ruined everything... I ruined it all..."

Somehow X understood through all the messy crying. "No... no, you didn't..." he pressed deeper into him, clutching at him. "you scared me... when you ran like that... you still don't understand-"

"I understand perfectly X. I understand... that I'm the one who didn't... I..." his mind blanked suddenly, he couldn't string everything together, his body beginning to cave under the emotional burden he wasn't designed to possess. how was he crying? 

"...I've never cried before.. X... I'm a little..."

"...Scared?"

Zero nodded once.

Zero had his breath stolen by the sudden display of affection. He gently caressed his hair, whilst holding him, softly humming a sweet tune. The way he was holding him now, warmth filled his entire body... 

He was in awe.

This affection... It felt strange, It felt uncomfortable he didn't know what to make of it. He never felt anything like this. But his body calmed, and he didn't hiccup painfully anymore. The tears rolled silently down his face, and as he was held, the temperature of his body went down, 

"I mean it Zero... please don't leave me... I love you then... and I love you now. I love you always, now and forever..."

"Please... please don't X... I'm so tired of hurting everyone... I'm so tired of everyone getting hurt because of me."

"No, Zero, listen to me. You're not understanding what I'm saying so just listen to- Listen to me. I love you. I love you. I love you so much you won't ever know how much. You're not listening to me, and that's why this happened." He pressed his face into Zero's shoulder.

"If you listened to me... you would know... that we all need you! We don't care that you've lost your memories. It's even, of my opinion, that if we did, we would all be terrible people for tossing you aside as if you aren't so precious and dear to all of us Zero."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying... all of us care about you so much... Axl was trying to tell you that, and you won't listen..."

"It's," he closed his eyes... putting a hand on X's back. "It's selfish.

"I'm not listening to that. It's not selfish when the people who adore you are asking you to stay. What I care about the most is you. Not our past. Now, we have to rebuild andto make things right again."

He echoes his words. "Rebuild?"

"All of what I've been doing is rebuilding the relationship we had... Meditating, cooking together, having fun with our friends."

"I can't be in that role." Zero insisted. "I'm not the same Zero."

"You are the same Zero! You're Zero, the Zero I fell in love with! Do you want me to shout it to everyone?!" He was angry, Zero recognized it with a cute pout that resonated on his face. "Do I need to tell everyone in the town below before you get it through your thick skull?! If anything... You are more the same person than you think... 

"I..." he didn't know what to think.

"You will always be the same Zero to me. The one I fell in love with. So please..." he blushed, "please don't run away."

Zero closed his eyes. "I don't deserve it X... I... am still... unsure."

"I'm alright with that. Whatever happens, if we're together... I feel like I can make it through anything."

"X." 

"Zero," he responded.

"...I want to take a nap."

X snickered, smiling. He smiled back.

"I feel raw... and..." He didn't know what else to say, "I'm tired." 

"Ah, that makes sense. I've felt like that a lot after a good cry." 

"...So... Will... You stay with me?"

"...The party is going to be over soon anyway."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter same time next week, and a prologue a few days after that.


	4. When Zero Loves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's all coming to an end

_Log; Day 58_

_I had a dream. No, it wasn't a dream. I suppose technically it was since I dreamt it. But it was more. I dreamt of a memory. I can feel it resting in my mind as a disjointed puzzle piece, floating among blank spaces. That builds the gap between 5 years ago and today. I wish I could fill them. I'm... recalling this all now. If I fall asleep, my memory may be dulled... not as fresh. I might... forget again. I have to record it. So I can't forget again._

_It was a cool morning... X was staring over the view of Abel city. My body was on autopilot. I could only stare over the view, the cityscape I was so familiar with felt completely alien now. I wonder now if it looks the same, the view. Not that it matters, I can't help but wonder. if the world is much more peaceful... there is likely less construction, and less debris scattered across the streets... I never thought I would say I couldn't help but wonder..._

_Never mind._

_I could feel the fogged-up glass at my fingertips. I pressed them against the glass, and then my palm. My reflection gazed beck, also glancing down at the streets, the humans walking past us. X beside me flooded my temperature scanners with warmth. Suddenly, he spoke, which shocked me._

"I've been thinking..." 

_My vision filled with him. His eyes were downcast at the view, the blue helmet and armor jumped at me. It's been so long since I've seen the X I was most familiar with. I realized how much I missed seeing it. I responded, my mouth working against my brain._

"About?"

_He turned to me. Radiating with unease and worry... he took a moment. The words hung from his mouth, He was struggling to put them together. When he did, he did so firmly._

"I want to retire."

 _But I blinked at him._ "Retire?" _His words echoed in my mouth._

"The world is different than it was for so long... It's more peaceful now." _His anxiousness shaped into something more firm._ "I want to share that peacefulness with you." 

"X, I-"

_He grabbed my hands. They were so warm. They shivered with the cold before. If X thought they were cold he didn't say. I knew he was serious... And there was nothing I could have said to talk him out of his conviction._

"Retire with me."

_I felt myself nod._

"Really?"

"Yes... Why are you surprised?"

"I thought I would have to convince you more."

"How so?"

"I'm not sure how I would... I just... thought it would take more effort. You're a workaholic."

"And you aren't?"

 _X laughed, relaxing slightly, I was glad._ "You're right. I was just... worried. I was worried you were- well... not hate me..."

"No, you've fought for this... This is what we've been fighting for..." _I squeezed his hands and he blushed._

 _"_ I know... but it's different... When it's a reality. "

"That's true." _I agreed,_ "But... You wanted to tell me this. I'm thankful you did, even when you thought..."

"I was wrong." _he conceded. He smiled brilliantly and a familiar feeling came into my chest... It was so much more strong than normal... I frowned._

"There's... an odd feeling in my chest..." _I let go of his hand. His smile disappeared. I couldn't help but feel guilty for being the one that made him upset._

"Odd feeling..." he mused. Flickers of his smile touched the corners of his mouth, I felt relief. Realizing he didn't mind that I let his hand ago. 

"It's..." _I exhaled from my nose, realizing something._

"Zero?"

"I want to hold you."

 _He flushed, red as he could be. He pressed a hand to his cheek,_ "Hold me?"

_I nodded._

"...You can." _He stuttered softly,_ "Not that you needed my permission."

_It was so soothing to have him in my arms... I miss... I miss sleeping beside him dearly..._

_There are no other words... Anymore. It's 2 in the morning, and I dreamt of the morning we decided to retire, just 4 hours after now. How many times had the words **"I want to retire"** plague him? I understand what troubled him... what made him so nervous. Why, even though, he knew me, it made him uneasy to speak the words out loud. After all of this struggle. It was hard getting to the point I left us at. Both of us had insecurities._

_...I know what he said. That... he'll forever... Love me. But how can I believe that? Why would love be unconditional? Would I love X if he became a maverick? Likely. Is that what he means?_

But then again... even when I know my feelings, I have no courage to say them to him. Like... He deserves. 

_I wish I can delete this log. but that will mean redoing it._

_End log._

Zero paced about the room, wanting to bite his gloved nails. He never chewed on his nails but he wanted to right now. the worry gnawing at his circuits was unbearable.

Somehow he knew he would feel better if he could approach X, and ask to sleep with him tonight. The worry he had would disappear with the soothing touch of his delicate warmth. How he handled Zero as though he were priceless. When he touched his hair, his heart fluttered with something he could only describe as being pure love.

if that wasn't love he doesn't know what it is, and he isn't sure he wants it. It was the most wondrous thing he ever felt in his life. he never wanted affection before he met X. before he held him in his arms. But now that he had it, his appetite had escaped his control. Those thoughts, words like handsome and cute burrowed away expanded to the surface with a fight. Refusing to let go of him. Never would he imagine a world where he longed for love. Or for X to hold him...

He wanted to go to his room. But it was late. Even X would be upset at being woken so late at night. The man was close to being a saint, but he didn't stride across the earth with glistening wings of gold and silver. He was as human as a reploid could be.

And humans needed their rest. 

He was certain finally. Certain of his feelings. But he wasn't certain... anywhere else. It was sad. But not as sad as X's surprise he wanted to talk to Axl. He already held a couple of gardening tools, his hands marked with dirt that still was on the shovel. he gaped at him, 

"You want his line?"

"Yes," he confirmed this several times before and was quickly becoming impatient. "I'm hurt you would treat me like this."

X stifled a giggle, unaware that he was at least- somewhat serious about being hurt. Not fully serious. 

"What are you going to talk about?"

"I'll let you know after I manage to contact him sometime this morning."

"Must be serious then..." X tutted, and there was a ping. He felt it bounce around his head, and a notification flashed in the corner of his mind.

Axl: lol, you already had my line, you didn't need to ask for it.

He glanced at X, trying to not be embarrassed at failing. 

"...That makes sense..." he said lamely. "I should have checked." 

"I'm glad.. you're wanting to talk to him again. I should have done more the other day, to prepare you. I-"

"Prefer not to talk about it." Zero finished his sentence. Strangely, X was unperturbed. 

"Understood. I hope you can become close again."

"..." Zero allowed himself to speak on his true feelings. "...Me too."

He sent out to the greenhouse. he was thankful, even though the reason he was going was fr a plant that wasn't blooming right and in danger of death. he wanted to be alone with the thoughts of Axl.

Axl: What's the issue?

Zero:... It's hard to put in words.

Axl: lol? I can take it, try me.

Axl: is it about your love life?

Zero took a long moment to respond. Should he be truthful? Probably. This is what it is about, although he would phrase it better.

Zero: yes.

Axl: Lumine owes me 5 bucks.

Axl: i'm y'alls love master.

Axl: So what's the issue?

the issue was he was in love with his best friend and he didn't know what the hell to do next.

Zero: The issue is...

Axl: well? I won't bite. Promise.

Axl: pinky pinky promise.

Axl: if it's a secret even I won't tell.

Axl: well.. maybe I would tell Lumine, but he's good at keeping secrets. He takes stuff to his grave. I mean it, he's serious about secrets. Tell him not to spill something and he never will.

Zero: That's reassuring... It's not exactly a secret, I'd prefer not to tell X yet...

Axl: yeah yeah?

He types slowly with the keyboard in his mind.

Zero:...I do... love X, but I don't know what to do about it. I do want to tell him... yes... I want him to be happy. I want... to be happy with him. But I've never confessed my love before.

Axl took a long long time to respond

Axl: holy sfugjgug

Axl: knew it. nothin g can kee you apart!!!

Axl: I was really worried. I mean, if you can't be together forever then I have noooooooo chance. God am I happy about that!!! like, over the moon.

Axl: I don't get it though, what's holding you back from saying it? You already said you wanna make him happy. That's super-pure, it's the best reason you could have to confess to anyone!

he attached a star at the end of the message. 

Zero: The question is how.

Axl: How did the original confession go?

Zero: I have no idea.

Axl: you don't remember anything... shit I forgot about that.

Axl: I'm a dumbass.

Zero: i remember one thing. i dreamt it last night.

Axl:!!!

Axl: Really? How do you know it's not a dream then?

Zero: I know it is. I can feel it. it's a memory. I don't know how else to tell you, I just now it is a memory. There isn't a shred of doubt anywhere in my mind.

Axl: ehhh... you're pretty serious. Alright... So you didn't know how the original confession went?

Zero: no, I don't.

Axl: could you ask X?

Zero:...Maybe.

He'll consider it.

Axl: maybe?

Zero: I feel as though he will be suspicious. I have... a feeling that the way I tell him needs to be special. I don't know why I feel that way, but I'm certain. It must be worthy... of his attention.

Axl: You don't need to be worthy. We all heard him scream at you. He just cares for you a lot and wants the best for you.

Zero: I won't ever stop bringing him pain either.

Axl: All aboard the angst train, choo-choo.

Zero: You are hilarious,

Axl: Thanks! I've been working on my technique.

Zero: it's true isn't it? The way I'm going about it.

Axl: Just tell him!

Zero: If I tell him while his back is turned and he's gardening it won't mean much would it?

Axl: Ah... i guess not. I mean, I wouldn't mind anyway Lumy confessed to me... i was just so happy. It could've been in a dirt bath.

Axl: Or fucking-

Axl: Something. I need a nap or two, I can't think of anything good right now.

Axl: The point still stands. Overthinking it.

Zero: You... and Lumine?

Axl: Oh.

Axl: yeah, lol.

Axl: my Lumi...

He sent copious amounts of hearts.

Zero: What was the confession like?

Axl: Oh he just kissed me when we were hanging out.

Axl: Confessions don't need to be uhm, these big things, you get what I mean? I bet most of them aren't these big spectacles. They're just like, hey! I like you, I like you, let's date. Simple as that yeah?

Zero: That isn't what X deserves.

Axl: Hmm... I guess the previous confession sets the steaks right? if you match it or surpass it you're good as gold. You should try to figure that out first.

He sighed.

Zero: Fine. I will.

X grasped his hand unexpectedly. He tugged him from his thoughts, a glint in his eyes.

"I need some company... I feel lonely."

Normally, words like that would have no effect on him, but he didn't know why- they made him blush, and his chest flutter. Was it caused by love? Was this normal? He- wouldn't usually feel this way about grasping his hand.

He felt guilty now for taking secrets and hiding them from him. it would make him happy if he knew... that he remembered. He remembered him. That he secretly, or not so secretly... he- X knew already... he was looking at him in a different light. That's not surprising. Is it? He doesn't think he would be if he heard it. So why did it matter so much if X wouldn't be surprised?

Did it matter at all, that the scene was special? If, the moment was right.

The realization hit him like a brick. He got what Axl was getting at, what he struggled to put into words. When Lumine confessed to him, what not mattered was how romantic it was, but what he felt for the person he adored. The moment was right. But, that just made his stomach churn again, and their triumphant moment deflated. When is the right moment? 

The words messily puzzled him, churning him into a soul that was more lost and confused than he was just a moment ago. 

But then he caught sight of his face. The world stopped, and he was dizzy. X laughed with happiness, cheeks rosy, and flushed. 

"Zero, what are you thinking about so hard hm?"

He paused and shook his head with a slight chuckled, hiding the pink on his cheeks. "Can't tell you?"

"Really?"

"Well... Maybe soon," he answered cryptically. 

That delighted X. "I hope so!"

So did Zero.

"L-log... Log day... 59" 

His breath was short, shaken by something exhilarating. he could hardly contain himself, breathing heavily into the air. He did not recount everything. it was the same as last time, paying attention to each detail, he spoke with laser-focus and accuracy. every detail was important after all. He could feel it as he closed his eyes, the breeze on his skin. His hair waving in the wind like ribbons, running loose freely. he sighed, opening his eyes, the log continued.

_Log; day 59._

_It was night time. I was looking at X again. It was like my gaze never turned. I guess that makes sense... i-if I think about how much I stare at X I would be embarrassed... I am a little embarrassed thinking about how I stared at him. He smiled at me._

"How about we go outside? The stars are beautiful."

_I agreed with him. I went outside, he held my hand. The moon was full and ripe, huge in the sky. X reached his hands for it but he could never be close enough to fully reach it. he still extended his hands out to it, eager to cusp its surface. His hands dropped to his sides, and we laid on the grass. it was cool under our bodies, he refused to let go of it. It was so cool, the air was so crisp. But he teetered me still to reality, so I didn't float into the sky, I stayed on earth with him. he looked at me, I was staring at him instead of the sky._

"The stars are beautiful tonight... but they could never be as beautiful as you."

_I felt flush. I blurted out to him,_

"I'm staring at you instead of the stars."

_The ocean webbed to and fro with the pull of the moon. I realized we were in front of our shared home. I realized after I was too busy to care. The world could have fallen all around me and I would not have cared.. not one bit._

"...Zero..." _he whispered to me._ "

"Yes...?"

"Please... can you hold me again?"

_I did so, eagerly. the thought to embrace him so had already graced my imagination. To hear his voice plead for my affection made me even more eager to shower him with love._

"...I... Well... The world is so cruel... and yet.... when I'm with you... I don't think about that. I think about... how even though the world is like this, I only care about you.'

"X... I-"

"You are so handsome... and strong. I always admired your strength, wanted to be like you, so I protect the world... And now... I only want to protect you, and only you..."

"X..." _I was confused, not sure what they were talking about. Then, he said._

"Zero..." _he bowed his head._ "I...I've always had these... feelings for you. Feelings... I knew you could never return. I-I'm sorry... I feel... so selfish... When i wish-"

_I understood. A flutter came across my chest, the same flutter I felt so many times when around him. Those feelings..._

_I cusped his cheek._ "You don't know what I feel... Those feelings... I already... spent my time... wondering what they were. X..."

"Zero... Are you saying..." tears rolled down his cheeks, his voice trembled, "Are you saying..."

I brushed the hair from his face. I whispered to him, "Yes... X... I'm... I've been in love with you... And I have been for years..."

_I see. that's how it went. I thought it was the other way around... I told him. I didn't know... It was... such a beautiful moment... the stars twinkling upon us. The gentle waving of the sea. I could see what people meant romantic. Should I do that again Would it make the original moment cheap?_

Axl: Did you tell X?

Zero: About the dream? No.

Axl sent a picture of an eyeball.

Zero: What?

Axl: I got my eye on you. I never knew that's how it went either, I mean... I'm not sure how it went.

Axl: yo answer your original question... probably not a good idea.

Axl: *to

Zero: That's what I thought. It wouldn't be as special if it's just the same thing, is it?

Axl: not necessarily. I mean... I guess I imagined y'all getting together as a more emotional thing with a lot of crying and cheering?

Zero: Who exactly would be cheering us on?

Axl: Alia?

Axl: Lol okay I'll be serious.

Axl: *serious

Axl: I think he would prefer something like that. I mean, I didn't exactly think he wanted something big and flashy.

Axl: Then again, I still think you are overthinking it. You do anything and he would be over the moon.

Zero: Maybe... But I want to do something...

Axl: Hmm... keep it simple.

Axl: And keep it from the heart. Do you know what I mean? From the heart...?

Zero: Like... be sincere?

Axl: b-i-n-g-o

Axl: bingo was his name-o.

Zero: But I have not figured that part out.

Zero: Or any part of it

He added.

Axl: you can do it.

Zero: You have a surprising amount of faith in me. I was still an asshole to you. I can't make up for that.

Axl: I didn't ask for that! I didn't ask for you to make it up to me. I already forgave you. When you love someone, you gotta have it in you to forgive.

Axl: But then again... You also can't forgive them for everything. You need to decide when the time is to step away from them. That they won't get any better, and you have to protect yourself.

Axl: You aren't at that point. I know I can still trust you.

Axl: Good luck with X. You aren't allowed to text me unless it's to tell me how the confession went.

All Zero could do was concede. 

Zero: I won't.

He thought about what made the moment in the grass special. The quiet, the sounds, the sights, the heartfelt words. It is what made a moment truly special. This reinforced his earlier theory about it not matter how and where they confessed, but if it was right. But despite that, he hasn't resolved the guilt in his chest, that still longed to make it up to X for all the trouble he had been in. He heard what Axl said. But it's easier to forgive others than it is to forgive yourself. 

And how could he possibly ask for a person to forgive him when he can't forgive himself? If only he could make it up to him... 

_I love you forever and always..._

His core stung, and Zero gripped his chest. How could he- what could he do to ever, ever deserve that? Deserve to hear his soft voice tell him something like that. Zero wanted so many things. He wanted to forgive himself. He wanted X's embrace and his sweet smile. he wanted to remember.

Well, he supposed all he wanted had to do with their X. Their bond that went past the bonds of any ordinary person. The bond that only they could share. The only one they would ever understand. Each other. 

Zero filed away Axls messages and was mapping out a sequence of events like they were a maverick attack. Someone might ask if he was taking this too seriously. Oh, he would respond that he, for certain, was not. that could not be farther from the truth. It wasn't a crime to plan things out, to try and perfect them like a chef perfecting his recipes, 

Then he thought of it. It was perfect- perfect. Perfect! What made the night romantic? They were outside, and they were alone. If that was romantic, lying in the grass, this should be better, shouldn't it? That would create the perfect moment for sure!

He had done it! Zero thought he had cracked the case, the mystery that was how to confess, and where. Although, X probably thought he was joking when he brought it up. The preparations were finalized and made.

"You reserved us a log cabin?"

But all the same, he couldn't stop that familiar excited shine in his eyes, tone heightening. 

Zero nodded. "Do you like the idea?" 

"It's-" he trailed off, and for a moment Zero was deeply worried. "-Wonderful."

Phase one of the plan was complete.

"I love camping, I love the outdoors," he swooned, "I love the bugs chirping at night and the sky- with so many stars. Stars I could never see in the city."

"We can see that here." Well, they could. But X gave him a look. He was cute when annoyed. But then again, X was cute doing most things. He was cute doing just about everything and anything. He could say for certain that X was cuter than anyone. Unless it was out loud. Then no, he would never be able to say that. 

"..." he relaxed his expression and sighed once again, the dreaminess never left. "I suppose so. But... seeing the stars there is more precious, so much more intimate than anywhere else," he giggled, covering his mouth with his hand. "I know, I know, I'm a softie. Asimov only knows how the great Maverick Hunter X- former hunter X," he corrected himself, "is hopeless.'

"I know that too. I think it's wonderful."

X blushed, not looking at him. "Isn't... that a bad thing?"

Zero stared for a moment, "Did I ever say that was a bad thing? If you are a softie, aren't I a hardie?"

X shook his head, "No of course not. You're perfect the way you are."

"..." Zero would tell you, words are just words. But words usually don't want to make you melt like you never have before, in a puddle of pure bliss. How embarrassing it is, how embarrassing it could be. Words are just words, but these words made him flush, made him flutter, his heart sing. 

Maverick Hunter Zero, leader of the 0th unit, and S-class hunter were dead. He had already died some time ago. 

"So where is it?"

"I thought about the beach, but since we already live next to one..."

"Ah! That reminds me..." he holds his hand out, and stood up from the table they were sitting out, "let's go on a walk."

"Now?"

"Yes, why not," he asked curiously. 

Zero glanced outside, he couldn't see much. It was so dark he could only see their reflections on the glass back door, their closest way to go outside. They were like the misty apparitions of ghosts, their edges soft and fizzy, like mist. Or like photos people claim to be ghosts. It could be either one, both of those options reminded him of ghosts. When it got so dark, you could only see your reflection wasn't prime time to go outside. The moon would barely light their way, the crescent was ripe and full like a banana, but also not good for strong lighting.

"...I suppose there isn't a reason not to. it's just dark."

"Are you worried something might happen?" 

Zero asked his emotional processor, results were inconclusive, so they passed it onto the threat assessment. 

Results: Yes. 

He nodded. 

"...It won't happen."

He didn't respond.

"Zero... trust me."

"I can't... trust that. It goes against my instincts."

X sighed. He looked sympathetic.

"...But nothing bad happened... That night... it might be fine..." he mumbled under his breath.

"What night?" 

"It's nothing." 

The stars were still as beautiful. As it always had been. they twinkled over them, smiling at them. The stars were so visible. But they were also visible at Abel City. He took off his boots for the occasion, to walk through the sand, they would need to be cleaned after. X saw him visibly flinch when he took the first step out of them. His sensors were overwhelmed with the sensation, recording each piece of sand that nestled under his feet. The reploid shivered. The dotting pings in his head rolled with confidence, and he couldn't get them to stop. 

"It's alright..." X whispered to him, comfortingly stroking the back of his hand, "it's overwhelming isn't it?"

Zero threw his arms around X, tugging him deeply to his chest. They stood in silence, until the sensors in his head calmed, no longer spitting data continuously. Zero held him close still, and X brushed his hair. he didn't ask why he was holding him. he didn't pass... any judgment...

...he wanted to cry, almost. But he promised himself he would never cry again. 

...Even though... if it was in front of X, it would have been fine to cry. He only tightened his grip on X. He could feel his core thrumming against the armor of his chest.

"...Zero..."

"Sorry... X... please... just a moment longer..." He whispered. That made X chuckle.

"You can embrace me whenever you want. You don't have to ask my permission. Even though... it does surprise me. I know you don't... Like affection."

"Affection that isn't yours."

That made X go silent.

...it would be... alright to confess now, wouldn’t it? 

It... it isn't what he deserves. But he can feel the words rumble inside him. Wanting to be free to the surface. He wanted to cup his face in his hands... his skin soft and smooth... 

Then kiss him. 

"What does a kiss feel like?"

X blinked at him with alarm. he immediately lost his confidence and clammed up, going silent.

"...It feels nice. Warm... It feels... amazing Zero. When you kiss... kiss someone you love, you know your bond is set. Er- does that make sense? I don't know if it does, I'm not exactly a romance author. I know other people could say it a lot better." 

"...Neither am I. I'm not any... good at saying how I feel."

"How do you feel right now?"

Zero was unable to respond. he only held him tighter, squeezing him gently in his arms.

"...I don't know... How I feel right now. I know I'm happy... and... full of..." He hesitated. 

"Full of?"

"...Love for you," he whispered. The sky turned quiet, everything fell silent, and Zero felt his face blazing like a roaring fire. The only thing he could hear was the beating, beating of chest. It thumped, thumped, thumped. Then, he felt it, the warm tears on his chest. He looked up at Zero, tears streaming down his chest. 

Zero wiped them away with his thumb. X turned away, unable to keep his sobs down. 

"Did I do something wrong?" he knew it, he knew he would fuck it up somehow. "I wanted it to be more special. I did. I... Wanted to rent that cabin, and I would tell you there. I know... I mean- I remembered- I did, the first time we confessed. When you told me you wanted to retire. I told you under the stars- when we stargazed and I wanted it to be different. it just- It just felt right and I couldn't stop myself." he was speaking frantically, but every word he spoke made him cry more and more and more. Zero had never felt so useless in his life as his mind was still trying to process sensitive data, and X was crying into his chest. he couldn't do anything- anything to stop him from crying. 

"N-no..." he eventually stuttered out, his voice thick. "No, no, no I-it's fine. I'll stop crying." X spoke slowly, collecting himself. But the tears kept on rolling down his cheeks, as nothing would stop them. He smiled, looking into his eyes. "I, I swear I am happy. I'm so happy. It's also so, so much. But you know... I never thought I would ever hear those words again." He looked away from him. Memories that he didn't have swirled around him. 

"...But you knew."

"Yes..." X agreed, "I knew you liked me... you weren't trying to hide it. But I didn't dare- didn't dream to hope. You told me you weren't sure after all. I was worried."

"Worried?"

X closed his eyes, "...Worried, that I was the wrong choice." his voice quivered, "I was worried that... this was fate. That we weren't right for each other.That the love I had for you... it would not have ever been enough..." 

Zero shook his head quickly, "That's insane. X, the reason... I've been ab;e to get through this is because of you. I wanted to throw myself into the safe, so you wouldn't have to deal with me. The pain that I kept giving you. But then," he blushed, muttering a bit, "when you held me in your arms the way you did, it made me realize. What I've longed for all along... was you... and your love. All I have ever wanted was you."

"Zero..." he stroked his cheek, and Zero visibly shivered. X giggled, 

"I can't blame you for what you did Zero. When everything is so new and unfamiliar...Things always change. You are always going to be a little different each day. All we can hope for is that we get better... that we are better today than yesterday. If I never met you, I wouldn't be the same. You helped me into how I am now. I can't say if it's for better or for worse. But I can say, is that I'm so happy... I'm so thankful we met. I wouldn't have anything different. I'll always give you all I have. Including embracing you."

he quivered slightly, unsure of himself. if he could handle it, he knew it was what he wanted. He adored... X holding him still. he could barely hear the waving words of the ocean. he could barely feel the sand under his feet. The rising tide licked his toes, and he squirmed slightly, more data flooded his feeds, strings of words and numbers too complicated to quickly process. He wished it would calm down. 

"You don't want that?'

"I do. I just... I don't know how to give you the same."

X was quiet for a moment, thoughtful as he petted his hair. Zero sighed softly, easing into it. 

"I think you should do... what your heart wants. You should think about what you want. What would you do, right now? If I told you, that no matter what you did, I wouldn't mind?"

"..." Zero perked up slightly, meeting his eyes. X's eyes danced with the starlight, and Zero pressed his hands to the side of his face. 

He didn't answer. he wondered why. Maybe...

"Are you embarrassed?"

"It feels like we're dating all over again. Starting over- I don't dislike it. But it makes me feel like I'm young again. When I'm so old." 

"You're the one who called yourself old. I never brought up your age."

He opened his mouth to respond. But Zero was already claiming his chance and silencing him. He knows he usually not like this. But damn it all. For all the thinking he's done, nothing ever made sense, it was always clear he had no idea what he was doing. But he did know what he was doing right now. he was listening to what he wanted. 

He was thankful that he did. It was magic, the sparks were pure bliss running up and down his circuits. he runs his hands down his back, the world faded away. His ears were still buzzing when they separated. They were quiet. but Zero only thought about the smile X shared with him, how happy he was. How happy they both were.

X brushed a lock of hair from his face. That feeling, of what he could only describe as lobe bubbled again, stronger, more fierce than it was before. Than it ever was. He longed for more. 

"Ah~" He kissed his neck, and X purred with a noise he never heard before. How wonderful it was…

They laid in the sand, limbs covered in sand, and his hair wrecked. It would take ages to wash it out, but he didn't give a damn. Each peck of his lips sent warm shivers down his spine, his nerves popping with something unexpected. He felt nothing but warm love in his heart, that warmed him more than when the sun rose. Only then did they go up to their home, hand in hand. Ready for the life... they would share.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohhhhhhhhh there's only the prologue left. I'll post it on the 30th. This chapter was a day late, so. Hope you all enjoy anyway!


	5. When X and Zero Are Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zero makes Blueberry muffins again

"Ma! ma!" a little one tugged on his apron, dusted with flour and sugar, his fingers stained blue. he looked won, Leviathan blinked at him with shining blue eyes. "Mama! What are you making?" She giggled, he smiled with her, patting her head with love. 

"Muffins," he said to her. The young girl gasped and hopped up and down like a rabbit, her toes lightly touching the floor with a thump. She reached out her hands together, eager to grab one. Zero shifted the pan with his oven mitt and pulled it away from her. 

"They're hot, you'll burn yourself."

"Hmph!" she looked upset, the girl pouted crossing her arms. "I bet if Junior asked you for the one you'd give him one."

"Are you jealous?" He teased. 

"No! I'm not! He's the jealous one... Since _you're_ his favorite."

"Maybe that's true, but I don't mind if he has favorites." he looked around, making sure there wasn't anyone, he whispered in her ear, "You're my favorite."

She gasped, covering her mouth with her small hands. "Really?!"

Zero nodded, "You can't tell anyone, it's a secret alright? You don't want to hurt anyone's feelings do you?"

"No! No way, I don't Phan-phan to cry."

"Good." he ruffled her hair, "Go and play until the muffins cool alright?"

Leviathan nodded slipping out of the kitchen. 

Zero set his oven mitts. he set them aside, away from the oven, and sighed. The moment was silent. He took it to feel the sun on his cheeks that streamed in from the window. Truthfully he's likely told them all they were his favorite. Unlike his children, he didn't favor any of them over the other. He would be in trouble if any of them compared notes.

Wait, it probably wasn't the best idea to tell her to go off on her own.

"Actually, Levi-"

She poked her head from around the corner. 

"How about we see Papa?"

She nodded eagerly. He picked her up, holding the young child close to his chest.

"Can I ride on your shoulders, Mommy?"

"Sure." 

He lifted her up and over onto his shoulders. Her hands rested on his head, and she looked at the kitchen with wonder, as though she entered a whole new world. 

"Mommy- everything looks so different when you're up this high! Can I grow up to be this tall too?!"

"Maybe-" he grimaced, her fingers uncomfortably tangled through his hair. "don't pull on Mommy's hair okay?"

"Sorry!"

"It's fine sweetheart, just be careful," He turned the corner and bent slightly, swaying with the weight that he wasn't used to. But ultimately, unlocked the door and headed outside. 

"It's bright outside mommy..." she giggled.

"It is isn't it?" he lifted his hand to cover his eyes. He could see now without the glare. Unknowingly, Leviathan copied his movements.

"Moooommmyyy!!!" a familiar voice called to him. He glanced over, Fefnir was rushing to them, red hair wild and stuck with dirt and small leaves. He was holding a red shovel with clumps of mud stuck to the blade, and while he couldn't see, he was 100% positive his hands were covered in dirt.

"Feffy don't get mommy dirty!" Leviathan yelled at him, preparing for a lecture.

"Ah!" he set the shovel down and wiped his hands on his shorts.

"Now your pants are dirty!" she screamed.

"It's fine, I'll wash it later." Zero calmed Leviathan down.

"Can I hug you then mommy huh huh? Can I? Can I?" the young boy leaped with excitement. Zero set Leviathan down, she looked upset and crossed her arms. Zero sat on his knees, at height level with Fefnir, and pretended to think about it.

"Hm... I'm not sure... I'll guess I'll have to-" he rushed him, locking him in an embrace, the boy laughed as his fingers tickled along his sides.

"Stop, stop! No more no more! Uncle uncle!" 

Zero let go, he had mud on his apron now but it didn't really matter and he didn't care. Fefnir was looking up at what was behind Zero. He knew _who_ was behind him without having to look. 

"Having fun dear?"

"Can't you tell?" Zero looked behind him and stood up. X's gardening pants were stained with green grass and dirt. His gardening gloves were covered in mud just as Fefnirs were. Just as always, he was wearing his favorite straw hat, with a red ribbon tied around it.

Zero's heart fluttered, X was just as beautiful as ever. Zero stepped closer to him, raising a hand to his cheek. X's eyes fluttered closed, Zero had to hold back from doing more than just a small peck...

"Someone's been wanting to see you," X's voice was thick with love, and he glanced behind him. Zero followed his gaze.

"Junior?" He caught the red eyes of their youngest. The white-haired child silently ran up to him and clutched the fabric of his apron. 

"Morning Junior. Did you sleep well?"

He nodded into his clothes, tightening his grip.

"Do you want me to hold you?"

He shook his head.

"One of those days huh?" Zero stood up, patting his head as the young child continued to clutch his side. He glanced out over the edge of the cliff, the calm waves of the ocean and the beaming sun were a pretty picture, but he couldn't help but frown. 

"We really ought to put a fence up out there."

"I know, I know, we keep saying we will and then we don't." X waved with a flap of his hands, "Harpy has been getting a little too- Actually where is he?"

"What you lost him?" 

"That boy is impossible to keep track of..." X shook his head; then cusped his hands around his mouth and called for him. "HARUPIA! GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!" 

It was quiet for a moment. Zero scanned the place, his siblings were looking at each other, each more concerned than the last. Except for Junior, who was most concerned with Zero's clothing. 

"Over here!" 

Then Zero spotted something green behind the cliff, that rocketed into the air, green hair stuttered in the wind, in a graceful arch like a bird, the oldest child flew high above them all. 

Zero's face paled slightly. How dangerous, what if something happened to him, what if he lost the wind, what if-

"Harupia get down here now!" X yelled. 

Smooth as ever, like it is second nature, Harupia landed and smiled at his parents. "Did you see that? That's the highest I've ever flown!"

"And the most dangerous!" X lectured, "Don't ever do that without talking to us first? What if you had fallen and gotten hurt?"

"Then we would have to go to the hospital, and by the time we got back the blueberry muffins would be cold." 

All pairs of eyes turned to him.

"Blueberry muffins?!"

"Alright!" Fefnir cheered, "breakfast!"

"Hold on everyone," Leviathan interrupted, "We can't have breakfast without Phan-Phan!"

Zero held back the urge to curse, "That's right... where did he go now?"

"THAT'S what I forgot!" Fefnir yelled, "We were playing hide and seek and I forgot to look for him! Duh!" 

"It's impossible to find him!" Leviathan cried.

Ever the leader, her brother, Harupia, began passing out orders. "Leviathan, you'll look in the bathroom, I'll search the attic, Mom and-"

"I'm right here."

Harupia jumped, as Phantom suddenly appeared next to him. The black mysterious mask he wore fondly slipped off his face, X adjusted it for him and put a hand on his shoulder. 

"Don't scare us like that again, okay?"

"...Sorry... Papa..." he murmured. He added, "I want muffins too."

They stepped together, each of them clamoring for attention, talking about this, talking about that. Bubbling happily. For that reason, he nodded happily with them, although barely he understood what they were saying. he looked over each of their beaming, smiling faces. He thought... with bitterness, that he almost lost this. He almost lost all of this. The life they were going to have. More fulfilling than he could ever dream. The happiness he felt, happiness that he would have never felt otherwise. 

"Mommy?"

He was suddenly filled with alarm. All their smiles quickly dropped when he looked down. He didn't understand his children were all suddenly so quiet, or why X was blinking at him with alarm. 

"Why are you crying, mommy?" Junior asked. 

Only then did Zero feeling the salty tears roll down his face. he sniffed and wiped them. Attempting to recover from it quickly. They reached their hands out to him, clamoring around their mother. He kneed down to them, each one of them hugged him, in a large group hug, and somehow, that made the tears worse. 

"I was... just remembering something... that happened a long time ago, sweetheart."

"Was it sad?" Harupia asked. 

"...Yes. You see... before you were built, I forgot I was in love with daddy."

X stared at him, the painful memories washing over.

"How did you forget?" Phantom asked next. 

"I don't know... I lost my memories one day. I still haven't gotten them all back. But I remember a lot. I remember the important things. How I fell in love with him. How we met. How... we told each other that we were in love."

"Was it romantic?" Leviathan perked with interest.

It was X's turn to answer a question. He chuckled lightly, feeling the pain wash over, with the resurgence of the new memories they had together. "It was. Very romantic... both times... We were covered with the darkness of the skies... The stars twinkling over us. Zero was so warm.. and he held me gently in his arms-"

"Bleh!" Fefnir stuck his tongue out, "I don't wanna hear that mushy crap!"

"It's not mushy it's beautiful!" Leviathan. He rolled his eyes.

"That's 'cause you're a girl." 

X shook his head, "We don't say things like that in this house. Boys can like romance as well. anyone can like whatever they want. He frowned, and licked his finger, smudging off the dirt that was on Fefnirs face. 

The boy stuck his tongue out in return, "Not me! I'll never like that sort of stuff!"

"What if you meet someone who changes your mind?"

"That'll never happen to me."

"That's what I thought too..." Zero looked at X, he caught his eye and flushed. Someone tugged on his sleeve. Zer looked at Junior, who spoke shyly.

"...Will... I meet someone like that... Mama?"

"Of course you will." When he said that, he truly meant it... "If anyone- If I can find someone, any of you can. I know that for sure. And they will love you just as much as I do."

Harupia shrugged, "I'm happy as long as I can eat muffins."

"Especially if they are Mamas," Phantom said quietly, eating dainty bites of one.

"Hey, where did you get that from! I wanted the first muffin!"

They ran inside, desperate to be the one to have one next. Zero was about to chase after them, until X squeezed his hand, and softly kissed his cheek. He could feel his eyelashes flutter against his face, his breath warm in his ear. he whispered something to him... 

"...You are a wonderful mother. Each day... I realize that more and more, and I love you more than I did yesterday. "

Zero squeezed his hand back.

"I love you too... More than anyone else." 

_Final log..._

_He whispered, after everyone was put to sleep. he kept an eye down the hall, for little footsteps._

_I'll send these old files to X in the morning. I have nothing else to report... except..._

_I'm happy._

_End log._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: I'll post on the 30th!  
> Me: Does not  
> Nanowrimo is done, and so has another December come. 25 days until Christmas!  
> Projects in works: Nightmare/iX, new Vava chapter, X and Zero get a divorce, a X/Zero BNA Christmas fic.  
> Idk which is coming out first or ever so do not quote me on this  
> Thank you for all the wonderful comments last chapter! My heart wouldn't stop fluttering, it was wonderful...  
> And thank you all, for reading. This is one of my favorite stories I've written.


End file.
